Whitsitt out - Downs in

[Mark Padgett]

Bob "Clueless" Whitsitt resigned today as President and General Manager of the NBA Jailblazers (also known as the High Five).

Team owner Paul Allen announced the appointment of Juulie Downs to replace Whitsitt.

Allen said, "We are fortunate to get someone of Juulie's stature, knowledge, ethics and legs."

Downs, addressing a meeting of team members, pointed at them and said "Everyone who is going to play for us next year, take one step forward. Not so fast, Rasheed."

Downs then went on to announce she is firing Mo Cheeks as head coach and replacing him with Bill Walton. "Cheeks was horrrrrrrrrrrible", she stated. "At least, that's what Bill told me."

Walton then announced he would put together a coaching staff consisting of Richard Simmons, Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman. "Hey" Walton said, "they can't be any worse than what we had. Besides, Phil Jackson and Jack Ramsey were busy."

Downs then closed the press conference by announcing that the team was changing its nickname to the "Rainmakers". Their new logo will consist of a map of Oregon showing only the places where it rains a lot. The new logo is expected to cover the entire uniform.

The new nickname was chosen despite the fact that the local newspaper held a contest for a new nickname and the overwhelming favorite was the "Portland Parolees".