Just for the record, my Joke Contest winners are now posted on the General Board. Mick will get around to his later, I think. I just can't seem to get the hang of clip-art gifs...

I JUST WANT TO SAY THE JUULIE IS ONE OF THE BEST OFFICIALS IN THIS FORUM......

got a little brown smudge on your nose there buddy...

:D

I thought he was adding to the joke contest-- ;)

Juulie - since you have closed the entries, let me now share these two:

The funniest joke in the world, according to Monty Python:

My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!


The funniest knock-knock joke in the world, according to the 3 Stooges:

Knock knock
Who's there?
New York
New York who?
Nyork, nyork, nyork

The best pun in the world, according to Games? or was it Discover magazine?:

Three brothers decide to go into business as cattle ranchers. They can't come up with a name for the ranch, so they ask their father. He suggests Focus -- because it's where the "sons raise meat."

Supposedly the only "triple pun"

Not a triple pun but a good one:

Q. What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
A. He stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Sounds familiar...

where??i did't see nothing...

This is my favorite kind of joke -- the kind my dad has told since I was little. SUpposedly, he can tell them for an hour straight. My favorite:

There's this orchestra and choir performing Beethoven's greatest works in a park series. On this particular day, the weather was quite sunny and pleasant, but somewhat breezy, and the music kept blowing around. The conductor, and several of the instrumentalists finally had to put string around their music to keep it on the stands. At one point near the end of Symphony #9, there's a long section where the choir doesn't sing at all. Well, the basses who were standing on the back riser, and getting quite warm, decided to sneak over to the beer garden for a couple of quick ones. As they were quaffing, quite rapidly, they sort of lost track of how much they had. They got back up on the risers, but then things started to go wrong. They couldn't find their pitches, and of course that threw off the other singers as well.

One spectator leaned over to the other one and said, "Wow, things don't look good. It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, the basses are loaded, and no one is on."


We have argued in my family whether its correct to say both that the bases are loaded and that no one is on. My uncle insists that if all three runners are leading off, and thus not touching the bag, they can be considered on-but-not-on. You baseball folks will have to decide the merit of this arguement.

Here's another in a similar vein.


There's this indian tribe that used somewhat exotic skins for many of their traditional items. The tepees were made out of elephant skins, the canoes were made out of zebra skins, and some small containers were made from hyena and lion skins. The women would sit on various kinds of skins as they did their various cooking and craft duties. In this one particular village there was one particularly small woman, who sat on a hippo skin. She was so small that she only weighed as much as the two babies of the other women. In fact, the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.


Groans are very appropriate, at this point.

OK, Juulie - if we're into groaners..........
 

Juulie - here's the one I told you last season. Juulie and I were working a game together. It just so happens that Juulie is a Quaker and I am Jewish. I told her I actually knew a joke about Quakers and Jews. I mean - what are the odds? Here it is:

There was a Jewish synagogue and a Quaker meeting house (I think that's the correct term) down the street from each other. One night, there was a fire and the synagogue burned down. The Quakers offered to let the Jewish congregation use their meeting house for services until the temple could be rebuilt.

As the months went by, members from each group occasionally attended the services of the other group. It turns out that quite a few of the Jews decided they really liked the Quaker meetings.

When the temple got rebuilt, the rabbi was holding the first services when he noticed a large number of his congregation was missing. He asked the temple president where they were. The temple president told the rabbi that they had all joined the Quakers.

The rabbi said, "What! Some of my best Jews are Friends?"

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for." On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)

Apologies if that joke was already posted in the joke...err...general discussion forum :)

Anyway, I just started reading it yesterday and I see Mark likes Steven Wright, so I'll throw my Steven Wright joke in:

A woman moves into a new house and she notices there's an electric switch by the door that does nothing. She soon gets into the habit of flicking it every time she walks by. Six months later she gets a letter from a woman in Germany. The letter said "Cut it out".

HELLLO ( Mcflay..)THE JOKES COMPETITION IS OVER..AND THERE IS A WINNER ...SO WHAT ARE DOING?
JUULIE HAS SPOKEN!!....

Re: OK, Juulie - if we're into groaners..........
 

MARK
i really like you'r stuff but this to much..the jews aren't a jokes...
this IS to much i'm going to call BRAD now!
AND PS
What kind of fun does a priest have?
Nun.
Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Re: Re: OK, Juulie - if we're into groaners..........
 

the joke so nice he told it twice! :D

Anywho...

A priest and a rabbi were playing golf with Jesus. The priest hits the ball & it lands just off the green. The rabbi hits the ball & it lands 20 feet from the hole. Jesus hits the ball, it bounces off a tree and skips by a bunny, who picks up the ball in its mouth and scampers off. Just then, an eagle swoops down out of the sky, grabs the bunny & soars off...suddenly a huge thundercloud forms in the distance, a bolt of lightening cracks and hits the eagle. The eagle drops the bunny, who drops the ball upon hitting the ground...and the ball rolls into the cup. The rabbi turns to Jesus and says: "Are you gonna play golf or screw around?"

Re: Re: Re: OK, Juulie - if we're into groaners..........
 

[/B][/QUOTE]

the joke so nice he told it twice! :D

Anywho...

A priest and a rabbi were playing golf with Jesus. The priest hits the ball & it lands just off the green. The rabbi hits the ball & it lands 20 feet from the hole. Jesus hits the ball, it bounces off a tree and skips by a bunny, who picks up the ball in its mouth and scampers off. Just then, an eagle swoops down out of the sky, grabs the bunny & soars off...suddenly a huge thundercloud forms in the distance, a bolt of lightening cracks and hits the eagle. The eagle drops the bunny, who drops the ball upon hitting the ground...and the ball rolls into the cup. The rabbi turns to Jesus and says: "Are you gonna play golf or screw around?" [/B][/QUOTE]

THAT BECAUSE I'M A JEWISH...
anywhy are you going to start a jews jokes post?..
if you do..please tell me

Re: Re: Re: Re: OK, Juulie - if we're into groaners..........
 

OK, we'll make it Jewish...

Sarah has been married and divorced 6 times. Finally, she put an ad in the local Jewish paper that said she needed a man who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good in bed. Some time later Sarah is at home and there's a loud knock on the door. She opens the door and she sees a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello” she says, "can I help you?"
“I’m Abe, and I’m here about your ad in the Jewish paper.”
“How do I know you can meet my requirements?” Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks.
“How do you think I knocked on the door?

copied from General
 

mick
Senior Member

Registered: Nov 1999
Posts: 3194
Thus it was, and thus it is.
I judge these jokes based upon personal propriety. I ask myself: do these make me laugh, may they make my wife laugh and would I have been able to make my Mom laugh.

Chuck's rope - punniest
PA Coach bell - psychist.
PCCougar's priest - guilt
Romano's Shema prayer - religious
Padgett's parrot - food
Husker blue's sandals - sex
Padgett's eating properly - health
Padgett's underwear - yech

Special mention:
Juulie – Jewish mom’s lightbulb

I offer a gold medal to Padgett, who can be warped, yet has the savoire faire to offer humor that may be served with any meal.

mick

Re: copied from General
 

Sheez, and I didn't even get the check in the mail yet!

Re: copied from General
 

Gee, thanks. That and three bucks will get me a latte.

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Re: Re: copied from General
 

HI JUULIE...like you like me...

I told my dad about the contest, and he sent this.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the First one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the Ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more."I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, then a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

$
 

<font color = white>un cheque blanche </font>


Cash it in Feeble land.