Unfortunately I hear this a lot when I'm the U.

Do you break into song?

Nah, he can't hit the high C.

After I ask if there are any questions (usually never are) I simply say "OK, let's have a good clean game tonight" and leave it at that.

I avoid wishing any of them good luck or anything.

I have added to captain's meeting, in addition to the coach's meeting, that I do not want to hear complaining, just questions about any about calls or non-calls. This seems to keep the useless chatter away or down. :) Oh and be nice a la Roadhouse. Heard that from camp in AZ. Works great.

Oldie But Goodie ...
 

I had forgotten about that one.

Someone should come with a list of things not to say in a pregame captains/coaches meeting. Freddy's given us a good starting point.

And, by the way coach, you're still single, right?

What not to say:
We are gonna call (fill in blank)
Who are my speaking captains? And those that ask this, why? I asked That Guy and he said......well, he didn't have a reason. In the meeting, after asking who are my speaking captains, That Guy said, anyone can talk to us. So why the distinction of a speaking captain?
And anything else that drags the meeting past 1 min.

"We're gonna work hard for you tonight!" :rolleyes:

Things Not To Say...
 

Don't mean to hijack this post, but it's on the same general topic; and besides, Billy Mac opened the door:

One thing not to say during the brief pre-game meet/greet with the coach: "So, coach, are there any questions you have about the rules?"

One thing good to say . . . "Coach, after a timeout or intermission, bring 'em out at the first horn; we'd like to make the ball live at the second horn."
(Funny thing, when I say that prior to a game, the players seem much easier to exit their huddles. When I don't say it, we spend the whole game like a dentist yanking out teeth extracting them from their bench areas. Saying "First horn coach..." twelve times each timeout gets old real fast.

Use the assistant coaches to help get em out OR try sitting the ball on the ground at the throwin spot. You won't have anymore trouble during the game!!

Speaking Captain
 

Do any of you sense that the "captain" role has become merely ceremonial for most teams nowadays? The book asks us to identify the captain (singular). Maybe the whole "speaking captain" thingie evolved from guys not wanting to demean the other two or three or four or five, whatever, by asking, "OK, which one of you two or three or four or five is the real captain?"
Shucks, there's no prohibition for the whole team to answer the call if they wanted to. And frankly, I wouldn't mind having everyone from both teams come out and hear my dog and pony show on sportsmanship. :D
Still, identifying the captain is a required responsibility of ours.
Some find the whole "speaking captain" thing misleading anyway, since most will certainly allow any player to speak to them in a polite and respectful manner, right?

I like it most when my partner introduces me as the non-speaking official. That way I don't feel compelled to respond to anything the coach says to me. :D

Yep!
 

Yes, the RTP proceedure. And you are correct. Cf. personal tagline below. It works.

Bet yer bottom dollar!

I ask who the speaking captains are. The meeting never lasts over 30 seconds.