There you have it !!
 

This puts all the "get a life" coaches in perspective.
14U girls AAU game a couple of years ago. Team A is up 35 to 40 points at the half and Team B only has 7 or 8 points (maybe 2 hoops). Its not because Team A is the Tenn Vols girls college team either.
We start the second half and have a foul about 35 seconds in. Coach of Team A calls time out. I go over to my partner and a chuckle, "what do you suppose he is talking about that he didn't talk about at halftime" I mean it is not a real competitive game from my eyes.
The players come out from the time out and line up for the free throws.
One of Team A's girls is outside with me as the trail as the shots are about to be taken. I lean over and ask her "hey number 15, what was coach talking about during the time out". She pauses and says to me " Ah, Ah I don't really know, I wasn't really listening.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!

I heard this one that happened in HS Varsity Game near me. After a few "questionable" calls by the same official, one coach is ready to go off. He calls timeout and when they come out of the timeout and one of the players stands near the official for the throw-in. The official backs up and the player follows him in a defensive stance. The official keeps backing up and the player keeps guarding him. Finally the official blows the whistle and says "Coach, whats going on here?"
The coach says, "I learned at a coaching clinic this summer that you put your best defender on the guy who's hurting you the most"
Whack.

Same coach on his way to the locker room at the half when passing by the officials says "Can I get a T for thinking something"
"No coach you can think anything you want"
"Well I think you suck"
He got whacked for that one too.

It was more of a laugh inside for me.

But, the first year Fed had team control. My partner had a TC foul. We were at the point that if we didn't have the new team control foul we would have been shooting free throws. Anyways, I am C table side and the coach asks me why we weren't shooting free throws. I tell her that it was a team control foul and this year we aren't shooting free throws. As she turned away, her assistant who was sitting on the bench says "Team control foul? He must of meant player control foul and that's why we aren't shooting free throws." After I heard that I just smiled to myself and starting laughing on the inside.

I believe that was some of the funnier Abe Lemmons' incidents. I have no personal knowledge, but I believe I read somewhere that he was known for his antics.

Tag Team
 

Frosh game a couple years ago. Home team has co-coaches. I ask which one will be the HC for the game since there could only be one. Late in the game HC loses his coaching box privilege. As the non-calling official, I notify him of that and the AC asks,"Can I stand?"

14U USSSA fastpitch world series. Catcher has been griping about the strike zone all day. One particular pitch came in, I balled it, she turns and says
"No f**king way blue thats bulls**t."
"Young lady," (insert ejection mechanic here) "you're done."
Exit catcher. Enter head coach, who, by the way, has already gotten a warning from me for telling me how to umpire "the right way".
"Come on blue, you can't just THROW her out, these are kids..."
"Coach, what exactly are you complaining about?"
"The way you threw her out. These are KIDS blue, come on be a little nicer."
"Coach, I don't need you to tell me my mechanics. If you wanted to ask about WHY I ejected her, then thats one thing, I'll answer that, but don't come out here telling me how to do my job."
"Oh blue come on, thats just not professional."
"Coach, that's enough, we aren't going to discuss this any more."
"Well blue, I mean, if that's how you would throw a kid out, how would you throw a coach out?"
"Like this." (insert ejection mechanic here) "Coach, you're done."

Just Thursday night I was working a couple of men's league games which I'd long ago sworn off ever doing again. One team has a couple of guys who were 1 break away from being an NBA player...you know the type. He sets up in the lane and is there for a slow slow 3 count, catches the ball, fakes, fakes and fakes again, I toot the whistle and everyone freezes and looks at me. I tell him to "look where you are standing", he looks down and the other team immediately knows the call, I tell him "you've been in there a long time so let's go this way". He runs over and and tells me "you can't count the time he was in the lane before he catches the ball".