Funny Dialogue You've Had w/ Player or coaches...
 

Was thinking about this from the WRECK LEAGUE thread....

Let's hear some of your memorable dialouge with players and coaches....

Heard a story about an older fella (Jim)who had been reffing for a number of years....Coach, who knew said ref for a number of years, had him in several of his games over the time has been yapping about some calls and after getting into him pretty good about a "missed call" coach says to him "Jim, I gotta say...you don't see as well as you used to".

Jim smiles and says, "Coach, your right but I hear better than ever" and Ts him up....:p

From my own work this summer....

Had 8th grade girls team...We were shooting FTs and the shooting team pulled their two players off the lane....One of the taller girls (about 6') from D was on the low block...the short (5'2")PG comes to the upper block and the tall girl instructs her to switch with her....they do and I ask the girls "Did you want her down there so she could get a rebound to go along with her points and assists from today?"....All 4 defensive players and the shooter laughed....

Coach: Ref, you're missing a great game.
me? What, you've got a TV over there?

Coach takes off his glasses and tries to hand them to me. He says, "You need these?" I say, "Well, they're not doing you any good!" (parents laugh)

Coach: That's your third mistake tonight!
me: How many mistakes do you get per night?
Coach: (surprised)I don't know, 10, I suppose.
me: Okay, so do I get seven more too?
coach laughs

As most of the posters here could tell you, I don't think this site has enough bandwidth to handle all the comments I've ever made, but here's one of my favorite situations:

A few years ago, during one of my local kids rec 8th grade games, a kid went up for a shot. The defender smacked the ball and knocked it loose. Of course the offensive (pun intended) coach wanted a foul and free throws. I told him OK, we would do that. I told the kids to line up on the lane, but wouldn't let the shooter into the circle. I put the ball down on the line. I announced that "since the ball was the only thing that got fouled, the ball would now shoot two free throws". My partner went bananas laughing and that coach shouted out "OK, OK, I get it." I picked the ball up and we resumed play.

I was ref-ing a 7th grade game many, many years ago (yeah, I'm a coach that used to ref) and Coach A is one of the coaches was one of those my-players-never-foul-but-the-other-team-fouls-and-travels-every-play-and-you-missed-every-call-and-I-will-whine-about-it-from-warmups-all-the-way-til-the-game-is-over type of coaches. So needless to say, coach A complains from the jumpball, and so do his players. At one point, A1 is being pressured by B1 and coach B calls off the press. B1 reaches for the ball one last time before retreating back on defense. As B1 is RUNNING AWAY from A1, A1 loses the ball out of bounds. Coach A starts complaining about "reaching in", and A1 joins right in with coach. Coach screams out "what the hell are you watching out there??!?", and A1 says "He reached, what the hell are you watching?!?!?"

While subs are entering the game and before my partner is getting ready to administer the throw-in, I pull A1 aside and ask him "did he even touch you?"

A1: "no"
me: "so how is it a foul if he doesnt touch you?"
A1 says nothing
me: "If you want to grow up to be a good player, you need to work on your ball handling and stop whining for calls."

My partner hands B3 the ball to inbound and instantaneously, Coach A starts screaming "5 seconds! 5 seconds! Make the damn call!!!"

I blow my whistle and T up coach A, look at A1 and say "or you can grow up to be like that."

I rarely see my partner at a loss for words but one evening at a Varsity Girls' game we were coming back onto the court after halftime. A girl from team A approached us and asked if we could "watch because a girl from the other team kept grabbing her tit". My partner - (not what ya think) looks over at other team warming up and says: "which one" The player never hesitated - she reached up and grabbed her own left breast and says, "this one"

My partner looked as if he was going to pass out. His mouth went open and shut but nothing came out. Being the kind guy I am - I turned away and just lost it. Had to be the funniest conversation with a player I'd ever heard!! :D

That's funny stuff...and chart...that is about the funniest thing I've read in a long time!!! This one....BWAHAHAHAA!

Best example I have is my partner and I were working a varsity private high school game. He and I combined to rack up 5 fouls on player and he's gone by the middle of the second quarter.

Coach for this player says to my partner "Five fouls by the second quarter! What's that tell you?"

Without missing a beat my partner turns his head to the coach and says "Tells me your kid can't play defense."

Didn't hear another word from the coach all game.

Here's your sign.

My best was a kid whining continually about 'Where's the foul", I "T'd" him up with "here it is"

"CALL IT BOTH WAYS".

Answer 1: "You mean right and wrong?"

Answer 2: "OK coach, I will. First way, blue, 42, a hold. Other way, 42, blue, a hold. There coach, that's both ways. You happy now?"

Answer 3: OK coach, I will. First way, carry. Other way, arry-cay. There coach, that's both ways. You happy now?"

Call it at both ends of the floor.

I'll call it at this end next half.

My favorite was during an IM game. I'm ready to put the ball in play after halftime when a guy from one team comes up to me and says that so-and-so on the other team keeps hitting him "in the nuts."

I just said "if I see it, I'll call it" and put the ball in play quickly.

This happened during a boys' H.S. jr. varsity soccer game that I officiated many years ago.

It was one of those late afternoon games played in the middle of October when the weather had already turned winter like. The temperature was already in the mid-30's and there were some snow flurries. I was doing the shoe and a shin guard check with the home team (Now keep in mind just about everybody was wearing gloves, hoodie sweatshirts and stocking caps.)when I made the following humorous (At least I thought it was humorous.) comment: I hope you guys have fur lined cups, meaning the cups in the athletic supporters that us manly men wear. Immediately after I said it a very feminine voice in the middle of the group of players said: "I don't know about the rest of them, but mine are." She said this while cupping her gloved hands on her chest. We all had a very good laugh.

MTD, Sr.

D-III scrimmage a few years ago. Myself and another employee from the school were on the crew doing this game. The coach, a faculty member had the foulest mouth for a coach I have ever seen. After the 3rd half he was still huffing about a hand check call, while using some expletive words, and the other partner from the university on her way to the locker room stopped by his bench and said, "(Name), I know you have a college degree and a larger vocabulary. You might want to expand it before the real season starts."

Last year HS varsity boys game. B1 good position set for a year under the basket, A1 charges him like a Visa card. I called the charge reported it to the table, and A's coach said to me, "How can that be a charge he was in that spot under the basket for 20 seconds." I replied, "you saw it too coach!"

This was during a football game. I am the WH. On a punt, I have a hold against an interior lineman of K. The Coach asks who it was and I relay to him, though the HL, that it was #56. While we where inforcing the penalty, the Coach was going ballistic that he doesn't even have a #56 on the team. A few plays later I see #56 running down the field, during the ensuing dead ball period, I walked #56 to the hash closest to his sidleline, got the head coaches attention and said, "Coach, let me introduce you to #56." He didn't appreciate that one. We added to that by later dumping an assistant coach. also one of the assistant principals at the school, for having chewing tobacco in his mouth during the game. That school fired our association after that season

I was doing a 4th grade travel game that is coached by Jack Keefer, the HS Varsity coach of Greg Oden and Mike Conley...Keefer's son is on this team...

Anyway, in the 2nd half while their team was on D, Jack's son lost his balance working to get position on the low block and went to catch himself...when he did, he accidentally put a kid on the other team in a reverse headlock and they both went to the floor....I blew the whistle for a holding foul on lil' Keefer...

Coach Keefer says to me..."Hey ref, what game are you watching?", laughing...I said "Coach, I'm watching this one...sorry if I could I'd give your boy 2 points for the take down"....He laughed and said, "Well, I guess I missed that one"...I said..."It happens" ;)

There you have it !!
 

This puts all the "get a life" coaches in perspective.
14U girls AAU game a couple of years ago. Team A is up 35 to 40 points at the half and Team B only has 7 or 8 points (maybe 2 hoops). Its not because Team A is the Tenn Vols girls college team either.
We start the second half and have a foul about 35 seconds in. Coach of Team A calls time out. I go over to my partner and a chuckle, "what do you suppose he is talking about that he didn't talk about at halftime" I mean it is not a real competitive game from my eyes.
The players come out from the time out and line up for the free throws.
One of Team A's girls is outside with me as the trail as the shots are about to be taken. I lean over and ask her "hey number 15, what was coach talking about during the time out". She pauses and says to me " Ah, Ah I don't really know, I wasn't really listening.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!

I heard this one that happened in HS Varsity Game near me. After a few "questionable" calls by the same official, one coach is ready to go off. He calls timeout and when they come out of the timeout and one of the players stands near the official for the throw-in. The official backs up and the player follows him in a defensive stance. The official keeps backing up and the player keeps guarding him. Finally the official blows the whistle and says "Coach, whats going on here?"
The coach says, "I learned at a coaching clinic this summer that you put your best defender on the guy who's hurting you the most"
Whack.

Same coach on his way to the locker room at the half when passing by the officials says "Can I get a T for thinking something"
"No coach you can think anything you want"
"Well I think you suck"
He got whacked for that one too.

It was more of a laugh inside for me.

But, the first year Fed had team control. My partner had a TC foul. We were at the point that if we didn't have the new team control foul we would have been shooting free throws. Anyways, I am C table side and the coach asks me why we weren't shooting free throws. I tell her that it was a team control foul and this year we aren't shooting free throws. As she turned away, her assistant who was sitting on the bench says "Team control foul? He must of meant player control foul and that's why we aren't shooting free throws." After I heard that I just smiled to myself and starting laughing on the inside.

I believe that was some of the funnier Abe Lemmons' incidents. I have no personal knowledge, but I believe I read somewhere that he was known for his antics.

Tag Team
 

Frosh game a couple years ago. Home team has co-coaches. I ask which one will be the HC for the game since there could only be one. Late in the game HC loses his coaching box privilege. As the non-calling official, I notify him of that and the AC asks,"Can I stand?"

14U USSSA fastpitch world series. Catcher has been griping about the strike zone all day. One particular pitch came in, I balled it, she turns and says
"No f**king way blue thats bulls**t."
"Young lady," (insert ejection mechanic here) "you're done."
Exit catcher. Enter head coach, who, by the way, has already gotten a warning from me for telling me how to umpire "the right way".
"Come on blue, you can't just THROW her out, these are kids..."
"Coach, what exactly are you complaining about?"
"The way you threw her out. These are KIDS blue, come on be a little nicer."
"Coach, I don't need you to tell me my mechanics. If you wanted to ask about WHY I ejected her, then thats one thing, I'll answer that, but don't come out here telling me how to do my job."
"Oh blue come on, thats just not professional."
"Coach, that's enough, we aren't going to discuss this any more."
"Well blue, I mean, if that's how you would throw a kid out, how would you throw a coach out?"
"Like this." (insert ejection mechanic here) "Coach, you're done."

Just Thursday night I was working a couple of men's league games which I'd long ago sworn off ever doing again. One team has a couple of guys who were 1 break away from being an NBA player...you know the type. He sets up in the lane and is there for a slow slow 3 count, catches the ball, fakes, fakes and fakes again, I toot the whistle and everyone freezes and looks at me. I tell him to "look where you are standing", he looks down and the other team immediately knows the call, I tell him "you've been in there a long time so let's go this way". He runs over and and tells me "you can't count the time he was in the lane before he catches the ball".