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[Mark Padgett]

Since soccer is a "Euro" sport for kids who can't use their hands, there are some fundamental things you must learn in order to become a soccer official.

First, learn to read a game clock backwards. In soccer, the clock counts up instead of showing time left in a period. This must be some metric protocol.

Second, realize that all members of the same team don't wear the same jerseys. This is very confusing.

Third, learn to give technicals with "cards". Apparently, scorekeepers and fans in soccer aren't sophisticated enough to understand hand signals, but can only identify simple colors.

Fourth, learn a new language called "Eurospeak". In this language, the words "zero" and "nothing" are not used. Instead, you will say "nil".

Fifth, (and this is the good part), you get to wear shorts. Of course some of us have knees that look like we're smuggling walnuts.

Why don't you take on officiating croquet, like me? You get to wear a straw hat and drink lemonaide.