more officials

[thee xbear]

High School Basketball is in need of several more officials to finish the stretch run of the conference season. If you fit the criteria below, you might be qualified to officiate a game in the immediate future:

1. Applicant must have been born with a chip(s) on his/her shoulder.

2. At some point the applicant must have either been in the military, held a job as a superviser on the job,been a policeman or a frustrated postal worker.

3. Applicant must have experienced a tremendous amount of failure as a wannabe athlete or enjoy watching Gilligan's Island reruns.

4. Physical requirements for the job are that all applicants must be at least 4'10" and 120 pounds. In addition, special preference is given to those candiates under 5'5" that have eyes in the back of their heads and have the ability to see directly through items that should otherwise impair their line of sight when making calls during the course of the game.

5. Applicant must enjoy making fans, coaches and players mad during the course of the game with their complete lack of knowledge of the game of basketball. In particular, the applicant must be willing to make the absolute one call at the games crucial moment that no one expects them to make that demonstrates their godlike authority.

6. Applicant must hold other gainful employment as a dog catcher, production plant worker, toll booth worker, garbage collector or otherwise low end job that requires no basic skill.

7. Applicant needs to be able to keep a straight face when being mocked by players, coaches and fans. A sort of arrogant smile does wonders for this profession.

8. Applicant must show tendancy to be as inconsistent as possible when applying various rule infractions during the course of the game. In particular a knack for making rules for one end of the court, that are different from the rules on the other end of the court.

And finally,

9. Applicant must have scored a minimum of 7 on his/her ACT test or if they have not met that objective must be able to drive a car to assigned games.

IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR YOU, PLEASE CONTACT me in my OFFICE IN Oregon. Your salary will be determined by your ability to meet the above criteria and you are promised to have steady work during the winter. Improvement in job performance is not necessary to keep this position.