It's that time of year, when I drag out the notebook, and plow through past games, mulling over various situations, to see what lessons I have learned, and what still needs work. Here's a question I haven't come up with a solution for.

There is a place in the very limited conversation we have with players, for a word known as an "endearment" or a "diminutive".

The place is when you need to say something that will take some of the heat out of the exchange. I have been trying to say things like, "you have to keep your arms straight up" with this extra word, and the right tone of voice, so that it is helpful and not adversarial. Many endearments are way too familiar, such as "honey", "baby" or "sweetie." Especially with players of the opposite gender, these are completely out of place. With girls I occasionally use "hon" or "peach." With boys, I've been saying, "son". I have found this to be helpful overall, and gives me a certain rapport with the players. It seems to help them see me less as a harsh legalist and more as an interested adult.

However, in one game when I said "son" to a player he got huffy and said, "I'm not your son!" I was surprised, because no one had taken offense before, and I wasn't sure how to respond. So here's the question... Should I stop saying it entirely? Should I be more sensitive to who might take offense (the kid that was upset was black, I'm white -- did that matter?)? If I do keep using it, and I get this response again, how could (should) I address the issue with that particular kid?

When i saw the "thread heading", I thought that this might be a compendium of Chuck Elias' greatest games.

Chuck -- Are you going to take that sitting down!?!?

Oh, I see, you're not...

I stay away from those types of references completely. However, like you, I also attempt to take some of the edge off when BRIEFLY interacting with players. But I try to do this with my tone, eye contact, and body language. When I speak to a player I make eye contact and keep my tone even and as soft as possible. And I keep my arms at my side so as to not appear defensive or closed off (unless I'm demonstrating what the player did wrong, as in your example). I usually never volunteer the information but wait for a player to ask (respectfully) for a clarification of my call. But I don't add the "term of endearment" at the end. Not that I feel it is necessarily wrong. I'm sure there are officials out there that can do that quite well. It's just not my style.

http://www.sodamnfunny.com/Animation/Gif/baby1.gif

Yup, I liked that one!

That saved me a bunch o' writing. I pretty much agree with everything that was said above. Of course, I am talking about the high school level. Above that, you will probably be interacting with the players and coaches in a completely different manner.

One of my first girls games ever I was administering a free throw and I said, "two shots ladies." After the game, the evaluator got all over me.

His input was, "we don't ref girls or ladies or boys or men. We ref players. If you just use the term players, it'll make life easier." It's always worked for me. If I need to get the attention of a particular player, I just say their number. "Hey thirty-two, please tuck your shirt in."

Z

I don't like "two shots, ladies" either. (And neither does my husband!) In general, I use the number as well. But there is a time when that just doesn't work. Player is frustrated with herself for another block call, I like to say something to take some of the heat out, such as, "You're almost there, just a half-second sooner." Sometimes, it works without a direct address. But there are times when adding the personal touch helps, I think. Not too personal, is definitely important, and in the situation where the kid was annoyed with me, I obviously got too personal. But most kids don't seem to take it that way. It just got me wondering whether there's a way to gain that little advantage without also having the disadvantage.

Player is frustrated with herself for another block call, I like to say something to take some of the heat out, such as, "You're almost there, just a half-second sooner." Sometimes, it works without a direct address.

[/B][/QUOTE]I think that most of the time it'll work without adding a direct address. Just add #32 or whatever to what you said above, and I really can't see any problem.

What would you say if someone that you called "Son" started calling you "Mom"? And what could you say to him then? That's one of the reasons that I try to keep away from calling any player anything but #x.

Hmmm.
JR,
That's slightly offensive in some cases.
How 'bout #<i>n</i> instead? :)
mick

If JR hadn't made the joke, I would've. It was, of course, the first thought that popped into my head as well.

But as to the substance of the post, I refrain from endearments. I say "sir", "gentlemen", and "ladies". When addressing one particular girl, I do not use any endearment at all, simply the number.

As far as "we don't ref girls or ladies or boys or men. We ref players", I'm sorry, but that guy has a stick up his butt. If you can't be polite and respectful by saying "gentlemen", then something is wrong. Seriously, what was that guy's beef? If you're not comfortable with it, then fine I guess. But "we don't ref girls or ladies or boys or men"? Um, yes we do. What's the point of refusing to recognize that?

Let's say you ask the kid to go get the ball after it has rolled away, and he replies like that. You say, "You're right. You're not my son. I apologize. Now go get the ball". Don't call him "son" anymore, but don't let him get out of what you asked him to do.

I hate it when my partner has players lined up for foul shots and he goes through this obnoxious verbiage such as "One and one, let the ball hit the rim, ladies, play the ball on the missed shot, ladies, yada, yada, yada." I hate the instructions and I hate the "ladies" part. Usually these guys have a tedious captains' meeting that makes you want to gag with a spoon (Any teammate have asthma, diabetes, CRF, COPD, constipation?- give me a break).

Chuck, I agree with you 100% regarding the use of "ladies" and "gentlemen." When I was playing basketball in high school I was impressed by an official who addressed us as "gentlemen." When I became an official I joined the Trumbull Co. Bkb. Off. Assn. and discovered that this official was the sectretary/treasurer of the association.

When game officials use good manners and treat the participants as ladies and gentlemen they are sending everybody a message concerning good manners and good sportsmanship.

Juulie - let me answer in the context of what I would prefer in my rec league, since you will be working that in a month or so, and I will be retiring from officiating at the end of that schedule in March.

I have no objection at all to using the term "ladies" when addressing a group of female players. To address an individual player, use their number, or if you feel you have tone them down a bit, call them "young lady".

For boys, you can use "gentlemen" to a group, but it's also fine to use "guys". To an individual, try "dude". Personally, I don't like the term "son". I think it sounds condescending.

Of course, I have been known to call a player "Beavis".

[Edited by Mark Padgett on Nov 1st, 2003 at 08:18 PM]

"You have to keep your arms straight up, partner."

Works for me. I also have no problem with "ladies," "gentlemen," or "men."

State Directive
 

Wisconsin has circulated a flyer with its annual mailing of certification paperwork for the past several years. The flyer specifically addresses the choice of language to be used by the official. "Babe", "Hun", "Son", "Boy" and others of this nature are definitely on the prohibited list.

I keep it simple; interactions with players and coaches are professional. Have not had any troubles with that approach.

[/i]

I didn't look, but I think I would have noticed if he had a stick up his butt. :-)

His point was that if it offends someone, try to find another way to do it. He did women's CC ball and had an experience where a coach asked him to not refer to her players as ladies. I think we all can figure out why "boy" might be offensive. I just know that using "players" for a group and the number for an individual shouldn't ever be a problem.

Z

When I toss ball for start of the game, I usually say "good luck gents or ladies, have a good game", then revert back to calling them by their numbers during the game

Hear! Hear! They know. Just throw the damn ball!


Half agree. We have an old guy out here who retorts, "Oh, great, then I'll just go get a cup of coffee," when his partner tells the players to relax on the lane.
I object to the instructions, but don't mind the politeness.

I say, "Ladies, One and one," and then throw the ball.


Agreed.
And there's a valley girl expression I've not heard in a while!

I only officiate the uniforms.
Each uniform has a name.
Each name has a color.

mick, I totally understand your point. And I totally understand the point of the guy who says "we don't ref boys or men. . .". But the fact is that it's simply not true. The uniforms are just so much laundry. (Jerry Seinfeld used to do a great bit about rooting for sports teams based solely on the uniforms.) There are people, young men and women, in those uniforms; and it just seems silly to me to deny that. I know that my mantra is "the less said, the better", but as I said before, if we can't be polite, repectful and personable, then something is wrong. Just my opinion, of course.

All I get outa your post is that it is not possible to say a number, a color in a pleasant manner, ...Hon. ;)
mick

Hmmmm, I'm pretty sure that's not what I said. If you work anywhere else, it's polite to address a man with whom you're not completely familiar as "sir". What is so wrong with applying this same "polite-ness" to young people on the court?

Regardless of how you say it, they're not just uniforms, so why treat them that way? It just seems silly to me to be so strict as to prevent the most basic courtesy.

If a person isn't comfortable with that, then I suppose that's fine. But if I am comfortable with it, I find it odd that somebody would try to talk me out of it. As usual, just my opinion.

I still don't know who is being impolite, or telling you, or anyone else, not to be polite. Color me gone.

I have said "ladies" or "gentlemen" for some time now. Not sure what else to say unless I am refering to a specific number. I have my own personal problems with the words "ladies" and "gentlemen," partly because they have a social significance that has a certain meaning. But I only do that when I am at the FT line and I say, "two shots gentlemen." I do not use that wording any other time. If I had a better word to use, I would. But I think these are the main things that people understand as being polite and being professional.

I would never call the players a "boy," for the obvious reasons. I think it is our job to always show some respect to the players until they do something that suggests that we have to be more stern.

Peace

Jeff, I was waiting to hear what you had to say. I appreciate your opinion, and of course, I would never, never, never call a player "boy." You are right about being polite and professional, and showing respect. Also correct is the time to be more stern.

I'm just thinking that there is also a time to be more familiar, although not too familiar. It seems like it might soften the situation a little.

What I have gained from all your responses, is this:

I'm going to try "sir" sometimes. I like the sound of that. I think that is less condescending than "son", although I think son sounds less patronizing (notice the male reference in this word) when it comes from a woman. But if some players are offended, "sir" is a good, respectful substitute.

But what is the female equivalent, "ma'am"? That doesn't sound good at all!! "Miss" doesn't work, either. Hm...

I'm also going to try Tony's "You know, ..." That may work well with the right tone of voice. Looking back, I realize that I mis-read Tony's post, as "You know, you're arms need to be straight up." THAT's what I'll try. I"m skipping the "partner" all together. I'm quite sure I could never make that work!

Thanks to all for this discussion. I appreciate airing the issue.

[Edited by rainmaker on Nov 2nd, 2003 at 05:04 PM]

Guys, ladies, players, fellas, folks, buddy, pal, friend, partner, big guy, little guy, killer, shirt color and/or number, all work. Don't call a male player son, it's demeaning. I can't imagine anyone would call someone else "boy". Ever.

I've used "men" and "ladies" with no probem
 

Not often, but when ligning up players at the free throw lane, I say something like we have 2 shots ladies or Let's line up for free throws men.

Sometimes it is how you say it. I always do with respect to the players and they seem to respond to that.

I don't do it when administering the free throws. I can understand the condesending tone of ladies this, and ladies that ....

Look here, boy...... :)

Why not? I use it all the time in both basketball and soccer at the high school level, and have never had a hint of a problem.

How about "two shots, baby"...especially if it's a guy...

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/cmmsdm/smilies/rotfl.gif

Believe it or not, I work with a very experienced NCAA D2 official who calls the guys "baby". First time I heard it, I almost laughed. Then he did it again and the player seemed to like it. I thought to myself, "I could NEVER pull that off." But it works for him.

Ok, you're gone, and after this I'll let it drop too. I guess by calling a player "Blue 23" you are not being impolite. Fine. But neither are you being particularly personable. Also fine. All business. Ok, I can see that.

But in my everyday non-basketball life, I express respect by addressing a person as "sir". It's just habit, I suppose. I carry this onto the court with me. I think it's nicer and makes me more personable than merely not being impolite.

And the guy who says "we don't ref boys or men" is saying not to express respect in that way. And I just think that's going too far in order to be professional.

Again, just my opinion. And now, I'll be gone too. I know we all agree to be respectful to the players. We're just discussing appropriate ways of doing it.

Of course, I have been known to call a player "Beavis".

[Edited by Mark Padgett on Nov 1st, 2003 at 08:18 PM] [/B][/QUOTE]

Does this mean we can refer to some coaches as "Butthead"?

BTW, I use ladies and gentlemen almost exclusively and have never had a problem.

Coaches are usually "Brainiac". :)

"Two shots BAAAAABEEEE!!! OK son, now put that Rock in the peach basket!"

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
 

Whatever you call a player has got to be either a statement of respect or a statement of indifference.

Numbers are indifferent. Baby, Stud, Ladies, Gentlemen, Girls (to the boys), Wrestlers (to the girls) can be respectful, lightening and cheering. The determining factor is how and when do you say it. There are absolutely times (the vast majority of times) when "son" is condescending - especially if it came from a woman, Juulie. There are other times when I could see the use of the word "son" as an excellent choice and very consoling.

Personally, I never think about these terms, and therefore never stress them. Perhaps that lack of stressing the term or its importance is what keeps me from the problem.

I use Ladies and Gentlemen all of the time. There is a facet to this no one has yet mentioned. Yes, these terms can be seen as an admonishment to the player who is not acting the part of a lady or a gentleman... but these terms also set a standard that you are expecting of them. We want them to act like ladies and gentlmen. Call them such and you set that standard for them.

The coach that complains about an official calling his/her players ladies doesn't have anything else to complain about. You've done a great job. Let that coach remember the location of that stick and who put it their by laughing it off. The official that takes that tidbit of a childish situation and expands it to enforce/instruct it upon other officials is a dingbat and didn't understand the situation. I swear some camp instructors... if all they can find to complain about is calling the players ladies, they are no better than the coach that did it to him. Again you've done a great job.

Attitude. They don't hear the words you use, so much as they hear your attitude. Whatever you say, say it with respect. Or slight admonishment if it is deserved.:)

Somewhere I heard a quotation that went something like this, "Your actions are so loud that I cannot hear what you are saying."