Snappy Retorts

[Jim Porter]

In the thread regarding hecklers and annoying spectators, I noticed the conversation going in a new direction, so I posted anew.

We all fantasize about snappy comebacks to loudmouth spectators. As all of you veteran umpires out there know, doing such a thing would be foolhardy, and certainly wouldn't do much to further your officiating career.

But there's no harm in fantasizing, right?

I posted this quite awhile ago on another board. It made the rounds. It's my little collection of things I wish I could say. These were all in my head. I'm sure I'm not the original author of some of them. But they did come out of my head. Enjoy!

Things I Wish I Could Say
By Jim Porter

Visiting Coach: Where's your strike zone blue?
Ump: For you or for them?


Coach: That pitcher is balking on every pitch!
Ump: Yes - the balk is part of his natural delivery.


Spectator: He was out! I could see it from here!
Ump: Silly me - trying to make this call from out here on the field.


Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Sure was - just wait until you see the next one!


Ump: Out!
Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Oh sorry - OUT! - Was that better?


Coach: Where did that pitch miss?
Ump: About 1/100th of a millimeter inside.


Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: That's too bad. It's going to be a long game for him.


Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: He might want to have that looked at.


Coach: My pitcher has a natural curve.
Ump: Naturally I'll call it a ball.


Coach: My pitcher has a natural sinker.
Ump: That's too bad because, naturally, my strike zone is very high.


Spectator: C'mon ump - what's the matter with you?
Ump: I've got dimwits like you yelling at me while I work. What's the matter with YOU?


Spectator: I could see he was safe from here!
Ump: (entering bleachers and sitting beside offender) You're right! I should call all my games from up here! Play!


Coach: (after calling time to consult with his catcher who relays the message to the pitcher) I'm not going to be charged for a conference am I?
Ump: No. Just your pitcher.


Coach: Between you and me, blue, was he really safe?
Ump: Can you keep a secret?
Coach: Yes.
Ump: So can I.


Coach: The hands are part of the bat!
Ump: Oh! Then you need to have your players leave their hands in the dugout next half inning.


Player: Safe?!? Are you out of your mind?!?
Ump: Of course I am. You'd have to be to take this job.


Spectator: Looks like the umpire wants to go home early.
Ump: Why? So my wife can scrutinize my every move, yell at me when we disagree, and insult me when she's not happy? Seems like I'm right at home here, dear.


Coach: How can you call him out?
Ump: Like this: OUT!


Coach: Exactly where is your strike zone?
Ump: Oh it's around here somewhere.


Spectator: And you call yourself an umpire!
Ump: No - you call me an umpire. I call myself a Baseball God.


Coach: C'mon blue - you gotta give us those corners.
Ump: Corners - yes. Batter's box - no.


Coach: What was wrong with that pitch?
Ump: Besides completely missing the strike zone? Nothing.




[This message has been edited by Jim Porter (edited September 15, 2000).]