In the thread regarding hecklers and annoying spectators, I noticed the conversation going in a new direction, so I posted anew.

We all fantasize about snappy comebacks to loudmouth spectators. As all of you veteran umpires out there know, doing such a thing would be foolhardy, and certainly wouldn't do much to further your officiating career.

But there's no harm in fantasizing, right?

I posted this quite awhile ago on another board. It made the rounds. It's my little collection of things I wish I could say. These were all in my head. I'm sure I'm not the original author of some of them. But they did come out of my head. Enjoy!

Things I Wish I Could Say
By Jim Porter

Visiting Coach: Where's your strike zone blue?
Ump: For you or for them?


Coach: That pitcher is balking on every pitch!
Ump: Yes - the balk is part of his natural delivery.


Spectator: He was out! I could see it from here!
Ump: Silly me - trying to make this call from out here on the field.


Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Sure was - just wait until you see the next one!


Ump: Out!
Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Oh sorry - OUT! - Was that better?


Coach: Where did that pitch miss?
Ump: About 1/100th of a millimeter inside.


Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: That's too bad. It's going to be a long game for him.


Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: He might want to have that looked at.


Coach: My pitcher has a natural curve.
Ump: Naturally I'll call it a ball.


Coach: My pitcher has a natural sinker.
Ump: That's too bad because, naturally, my strike zone is very high.


Spectator: C'mon ump - what's the matter with you?
Ump: I've got dimwits like you yelling at me while I work. What's the matter with YOU?


Spectator: I could see he was safe from here!
Ump: (entering bleachers and sitting beside offender) You're right! I should call all my games from up here! Play!


Coach: (after calling time to consult with his catcher who relays the message to the pitcher) I'm not going to be charged for a conference am I?
Ump: No. Just your pitcher.


Coach: Between you and me, blue, was he really safe?
Ump: Can you keep a secret?
Coach: Yes.
Ump: So can I.


Coach: The hands are part of the bat!
Ump: Oh! Then you need to have your players leave their hands in the dugout next half inning.


Player: Safe?!? Are you out of your mind?!?
Ump: Of course I am. You'd have to be to take this job.


Spectator: Looks like the umpire wants to go home early.
Ump: Why? So my wife can scrutinize my every move, yell at me when we disagree, and insult me when she's not happy? Seems like I'm right at home here, dear.


Coach: How can you call him out?
Ump: Like this: OUT!


Coach: Exactly where is your strike zone?
Ump: Oh it's around here somewhere.


Spectator: And you call yourself an umpire!
Ump: No - you call me an umpire. I call myself a Baseball God.


Coach: C'mon blue - you gotta give us those corners.
Ump: Corners - yes. Batter's box - no.


Coach: What was wrong with that pitch?
Ump: Besides completely missing the strike zone? Nothing.




[This message has been edited by Jim Porter (edited September 15, 2000).]

Now you could get away with some of those working MSBL! Just add a litle profanity to keep with the players...

Jim,
I'm sure some of those will comeup in my mind the next time I run into a coach like that..might give me a chuckle...let me offer this one ...just called strike 3 on a batter 3 outs....first base Coach walking back to the dugout comes over to me...
Coach: "C'mon Blue..these kids are only 9 yrs old, ya got to give em a break!" "I know you call the older leagues but give these kids a break, they are only 9 yrs old"...

me: "let me get this straight...you want me to give the kids a break on balls and strikes because they are only 9 yrs old right?"

Coach: "Absolutely!"....

Me:" let me ask you a question Coach....How old are the pitchers?.........

Coach....ah.um......9.......

never heard a peep out of him for the rest of the tournament. Probably should have dumped him for arguing balls and strikes, but this way was more effective and more fun anyway...

Great lines - a fella could work in some good game improvisation with these!


<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Geneva">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jim Porter:
In the thread regarding hecklers and annoying spectators, I noticed the conversation going in a new direction, so I posted anew.

We all fantasize about snappy comebacks to loudmouth spectators. As all of you veteran umpires out there know, doing such a thing would be foolhardy, and certainly wouldn't do much to further your officiating career.

But there's no harm in fantasizing, right?

I posted this quite awhile ago on another board. It made the rounds. It's my little collection of things I wish I could say. These were all in my head. I'm sure I'm not the original author of some of them. But they did come out of my head. Enjoy!

Things I Wish I Could Say
By Jim Porter

Visiting Coach: Where's your strike zone blue?
Ump: For you or for them?


Coach: That pitcher is balking on every pitch!
Ump: Yes - the balk is part of his natural delivery.


Spectator: He was out! I could see it from here!
Ump: Silly me - trying to make this call from out here on the field.


Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Sure was - just wait until you see the next one!


Ump: Out!
Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Oh sorry - OUT! - Was that better?


Coach: Where did that pitch miss?
Ump: About 1/100th of a millimeter inside.


Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: That's too bad. It's going to be a long game for him.


Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: He might want to have that looked at.


Coach: My pitcher has a natural curve.
Ump: Naturally I'll call it a ball.


Coach: My pitcher has a natural sinker.
Ump: That's too bad because, naturally, my strike zone is very high.


Spectator: C'mon ump - what's the matter with you?
Ump: I've got dimwits like you yelling at me while I work. What's the matter with YOU?


Spectator: I could see he was safe from here!
Ump: (entering bleachers and sitting beside offender) You're right! I should call all my games from up here! Play!


Coach: (after calling time to consult with his catcher who relays the message to the pitcher) I'm not going to be charged for a conference am I?
Ump: No. Just your pitcher.


Coach: Between you and me, blue, was he really safe?
Ump: Can you keep a secret?
Coach: Yes.
Ump: So can I.


Coach: The hands are part of the bat!
Ump: Oh! Then you need to have your players leave their hands in the dugout next half inning.


Player: Safe?!? Are you out of your mind?!?
Ump: Of course I am. You'd have to be to take this job.


Spectator: Looks like the umpire wants to go home early.
Ump: Why? So my wife can scrutinize my every move, yell at me when we disagree, and insult me when she's not happy? Seems like I'm right at home here, dear.


Coach: How can you call him out?
Ump: Like this: OUT!


Coach: Exactly where is your strike zone?
Ump: Oh it's around here somewhere.


Spectator: And you call yourself an umpire!
Ump: No - you call me an umpire. I call myself a Baseball God.


Coach: C'mon blue - you gotta give us those corners.
Ump: Corners - yes. Batter's box - no.


Coach: What was wrong with that pitch?
Ump: Besides completely missing the strike zone? Nothing.


[This message has been edited by Jim Porter (edited September 15, 2000).]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Similar thing happened to me. Ball hit the upper part of the zone, I called a strike. The batter said that was a little high, the catcher said, "yeah i'll take it". Next pitch, same spot, so I call a ball. Manager says that was the same pitch. I said "the batter and catcher thought the last one was a ball, so that is what I called this time".