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Old Tue Mar 04, 2014, 02:44am
Rich1 Rich1 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 276
I hope you will take the following in the spirit it is given, as an offer to help. It is not my intent to trample your efforts or be overly critical, but since you asked...

As a former news/sports editor and current journalism professor I see this piece as a good start for an article but it needs a lot of editing. A post with my suggestions would be too long so, if you are interested, I am willing to make some editorial changes and can repost it or send it too you privately.

In a nutshell, here are a few areas I would take a look at correcting:

The tone is too conversational/informal for an article. While it is informative, it comes across as if these are your opinions or observations but there are no factual supports so in its current state I would want to run it as a sports column/editorial and not as news article.

There are still quite a few punctuation, grammatical, & style errors -- the over use of the word game in para 1; the over use of commas; a lack of transitions between paragraphs; there is not a true introduction (one that also hooks the reader) or conclusion paragraph to the article; just to name a few.

Another thought I had was about you, the writer. As a reader, why should I listen to you? What are your credentials? A paragraph to establish that you ARE an expert as well as some carefully placed quotes from sources (such as some of your friends on this forum) will give a more authoritive tone to the piece. **For the record, I know you are qualified to write this. I am only suggesting that the average reader of the publication needs to know it.

As for the last paragraph, it should simply start with "Finally, two thoughts from people..." (no need for the "and"). However, I would dump the whole paragraph and move the quote by Coolidge to the introduction. Something like -- Calvin Coolidge once said, "the things I did not say never hurt me." Of course, he was not talking about basketball, but many referees would be smart to heed this sage advice as they communicate with coaches, players, and fans of the game.

Overall, it is a good piece and the idea you are presenting is well thought out.
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