[Mark Padgett]

NBA ANNOUNCES SALE TO THE WWE. by the Unassociated Press

National Basketball Assn. commissioner David Stern announced at his office in Peoria that the NBA corporation has been sold to the World Wrestling Entertainment corporation for an undisclosed amount and that it will now be known as the NBE (National Basketball Entertainment). WWE leader and CEO Vince McMahon told press there would be a few rule changes, however the current rules of not calling traveling, illegal dribbles or carrying the ball would remain unchanged. The major rule change is that any body contact that does not cause reconstructive surgery or death will be allowed. However, they will continue the policy of any contact against a superstar on a team in a major metropolitan demographic area will be called a foul, regardless of how little the contact actually was. Also, the number of timeouts will be increased to allow for more television commercials. WWE officials will now officiate the games (to be referred to as “matches”) and they will be trained by the new commissioner of officials, Tim Donaghy. Although financial details of the sale were not released, a source close to Stern said the teams will share in an amount close to $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ,000,000,000,000,000,000.39.

In a related story, the L.A. Lakers announced they have signed three new players, Jack Nicholson, Simon Cowell and Lady Gaga. It is expected the signing of those three will result in a large increase in attendance. Stern announced he is now out of a job but the National Hacky Sack Assn. has expressed interest in hiring him as their new commissioner.