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Tough game. Glad you are ready to learn from it!
First, on the clock situation, some will day you have to have definite knowledge of the entire amount of time in order to take it off. Others will say that if you have definite knowledge of a portion of that time, to take that much off. I'm in the second group. If you know you got to two on your count, but may have gotten to three or four, take two seconds off. You have definite knowledge of that much time.
As for the disqualified player, I actually have no problem with you waiting for the dead ball, since the ball was to remain dead after the free throw. But very clear communication with the coaches and your partner after replacing the player would have been helpful here obviously.
And the appropriate procedure after a 5th foul is to notify the coach, then the timer for the 20-second interval, then the player.
Overall, sounds like a tough go of things, but I wouldn't beat yourself up over these two parts of the game too much. You learned a lot, and the biggest lesson is probably about game management and awareness. That would have solved a lot of your issues.
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