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there's venting, and then there's getting personal. . .
Great points by all thus far. Here's my $.02.
I think (hope?) your state office is telling you that when a coach gets whacked, you should allow him the opportunity to vent a bit. He's now paid for his right to complain, so allow him to complain. Although we would all love to officiate in a world where the coach stops whining immediately upon getting whacked, that doesn't often happen. More often than not, he will get in a couple more shots that include words like "terrible", "horrible", etc. I'll usually let that go, as long as I perceive that he is winding down in the process.
That having been said, there is a very distinct difference between venting (permitted, within reason) and getting personal (never permitted). When the coach in your situation began with "you're the worst ref I've ever seen", he has leaped across the line. You stick him without hesitation.
If the guy at the state office is aware of the specifics, including the personal affront, and he still tells you that you should have passed, then he is wrong. Simple as that.
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