"OK, coaches. Listen up. I'm Butch and this is my partner Sundance. We'll be your bouncers for today's festivities. Make sure all your players have removed their nipple rings. It's a good idea if they're all wearing cups since we plan on not calling any hard fouls to the crotch area. If you run any plays designed to send the game into overtime, I will break your kneecaps. If you say anything to either one of us during the game, I will break your kneecaps. Any questions? If so, stuff 'em - we don't care.
Oh yeah, good luck - you'll need it."
Of course, if it's a girl's game, I skip the part about the cups.
