[aceholleran]

1. Make sure to buy a chest protector that reaches to your belt when standing. A little longer is just fine. The padded ribs of your protector should show through your shirt. Note: "modern" conveniences such as the "West Vest" are not approved.

2. Hold your indicator in whichever hand feels more comfortable. After every pitch, raise it up to eye level so you can assure yourself of the correct count. Do NOT trust fingers by keeping the indicator out of sight and clicking from that position.

3. Any time you exchange a baseball, inspect one, or perform a similar task, make sure to point (with a big motion) at the pitcher and yell "PLAY BAWL!" before the next pitch.

4. There is no need for a separate mechanic on swinging and called strikes. EXCEPTION: On strike three, be creative--make up your own specialized verbal, such as, "He's done"; "Outta here," etc.

4a. If you MUST differentiate between these two types of strikes, feel free to interchange them throughout the game. In fact, coming up with a third or fourth way of calling strikes is the mark of an experienced arbiter.

5. When a batter walks, make a large pointing motion, preferably with the right hand, to first base. Repeat.

6. On a called ball, make sure you add some words to decribe where the pitch was. Or say nothing. This especially helps when Pago Pago is playing Mitsubishistan.

7. The proper position for U1 is six inches inside the RF foul line, 20 feet behind the base. MAKE ALL YOUR CALLS FROM THERE!

8. If you are a base or outfield umpire and a ball is hit foul into the 17th row of the stands, wave both arms frantically and scream: "That is a foul ball," AND THEN POINT FRANTICALLY in the some direction. Addendum: If you are an outfield umpire and your partner at the base makes such a call, be sure to echo him/her, only use a louder voice and gesticulate more drastically.

9. When a runner reaches base safely, stands up, and a fielder walks by and performs a perfunctory tag, wave both arms as many times as you can, making sure to yell "SAFE" with every arm wave.

10. Flex Belt? What's a Flex Belt?

11. Pants should be of a grayish shade, and cover shoes completely. Caveat: Shining shoes will simply transfer shoe polish to your pants hem and you may have to wash said trou.

12. There is no need to hesitate before you make your ball or strike call. Let's move the game along. Make sure to give 75 mph flamethrowers that extra six inches on the outside corner, but not an inch above the belt.

13. ONCE AND FOR ALL, HERE'S THE PROPER 'OUT' MECHANIC: a) make your call as soon as possible after the tag/touch/catch. b) raise right elbow high into the air. c) use left arm to support right elbow. d) curl right fist back toward wrist in a classic "muscleman" pose. e) Intone "he's gone" or somesuch other appropriate verbiage.

14. Here's how to appeal a checked swing. a) wait a good ten seconds after F2 asks for the appeal. b) REMOVE MASK AND HAT--THIS IS MANDATORY. c) walk approximately 10 feet up the base line. d) point to base umpire with right hand and ask the magic question. N. B. if you are the apropos base umpire in such situations, you may make your call as soon as F2 points to you, obviating a) thru d) for your pard.

15. On a tag play, get as close to the action as possible. You don't want to miss a thing.

It took me just a few days of watching ESPN to learn these valuable points, and how very, very wrong I have been in donning the blue these past 29 years. Be smart and learn from the "pro's," too!

Smitty Holleran