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If you have the NFHS rulebook, I think Sec. 6.3 makes very clear what illegal overlap is. Generally speaking, a back row player cannot be TOUCHING the floor closer to the next than THEIR respective front row person - at the instant of service contact. Also, a center (front or back) person cannot be touching the floor closer to the left or right sideline that the respective player next to them in that same row.
As you pointed out, the difficulty comes when you try to put it into practice during the various formations - since the players don't have little beanies on their heads saying "middle front" or "left back"! Your situation was even more difficult with the "uncontrolled" substitutions.
When the setter is being brought up from the back row, this is the place to start your focus. Track the setter mentally from when they serve (right back) and as they progress to center back and left back. Note what other player is opposite them when they serve. That position will always be opposite, i.e., center front when the setter is center back. This will help you keep the team order in perspective.
Other than player carelessness, it is usually the back-row setter trying to get an early start that leads to overlap with the person in front of them.
Also, when the setter is left back, they are often pulled up to the net immediately behind the left front player. The overlap you need to watch for most here is that the center back's left foot is not touching the floor further to the left than the the setters foot closest to the left sideline.
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