[Andy]

Shamelessly stolen from Eteamz (the coaches board, even!)

I thought they were funny...feel free to add any others

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A parent was giving an ump a hard time about his calls in a high school game here once, ump is a good sized guy. Between innings ump comes back to the fence and says to the guy Thats a 17 1/2 inch plate and I have a 52 inch ***, how you can see around my *** to have a better view of my calls is beyond me.

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This wanders slightly off topic, but it was funny enough that I thought I'd share it.

In a college baseball game, I watched as one of our players was called out on a third strike that was barely above his ankles. Our coach comes storming out of the dugout arms waving, beet red face, saying "Oh, come on", etc.

The umpire looks at him and says. "You can't argue balls and strikes or I'll throw you out of the game."

Our coach starts screaming, "I'm not arguing balls and strikes. I came out here to talk to my hitter. I'm allowed to talk to my hitter if I want. Why would I want to talk to you?"

They then go back and forth for two minutes arguing about who our coach was going to talk to ("You can't talk to me", "I don't want to talk to you", etc.), when finally the umpire says, "Well if you want to talk to your hitter, then talk to him."

Our coach says, "Fine", then turns to the hitter (not the one who struck out, the one due up next) who's name was Blake. The coach gets right up in his face and screams at the top of his lungs:

"Blake. That was the worst g-ddamn call I've ever seen in my life."

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A guy is riding an umpire all game. Yelling that the ump is blind, doesn't know his (fanny) from a hole in the ground, etc.

Finally umpire walks over to the guy, points to a woman standing nearby and says, "is that your wife?"

Guy gets all defensive and says "yeah, what of it?"

Umpire just laughs and says "and you think I'm blind?"

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There's a mens fastpitch player who lives up here named Dan who used to play top level international softball as a pitcher. When he was done playing international ball he joined a local team up here. He was known to do alot of crazy things. For instance, the catcher on his team had an absolute cannon, but if he tried tossing it softly back to the pitcher he'd be wild, so he always threw it back hard. Well when Dan was having a bad game he'd get so upset with himself that he'd let the throw hit him in the chest instead of catching it to try pump himself up. Well one day Dan was on the basepaths and got caught in a pickle between 3rd and home. The catcher and 3rd baseman threw the ball back and forth a few times, and instead of Dan diving back in towards third he lunged out of the basepath and took the catchers throw right in the head! The ball bounced off towards the fence and Dan trotted home. The opposing manager came out and argued he should be out for interference, to which the ump replied "if he's crazy enough to do that sh^* I'm calling him safe."

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My line has to do with a basketball game I was coaching but an umpire could use it just as well. I've got a real good team that's playing the worst game of the season. Nothing is going right, got a technical in the first half and things just aren't getting any better in the second half. Fouls are 8-2 in the opponents favor and they don't need any help, we're stinking it up real bad. I decide it's time to get tossed to see if anything can put a fire under my team. I turn to my assistant and tell him I'm going to ride the referee right out of the gym. He laughs as I call a time out. I'm yelling about no call in particular but he's ignoring me. I have to go to drastic measures..... I yell loud enough the whole gym could hear him, "You're the worst ref I've ever seen, you don't which end of that whistle to blow". Still nothing. I then yell: "you don't have the balls to throw me out of this game." With that he calmly turned towards me and walked right up to me. Leaned over and whispered in my ear; "Coach, if I've got to watch your team play like Sh!t, you're going to have to watch them also." He turned and walked away. I went and sat down and never said a word again.

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A coach is riding an umpire, as his team is losing badly. After a while the coach yells to the ump, "You are the worst umpire in the world." To which the umpire replys, "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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And the two that I added:

Early season lower level college tournament. One team is truly awful. Coach of awful team is continuously riding the PU, who is a very good umpire that has done PAC-10 ball for several years, NCAA regionals, etc. About the end of the fifth inning when the teams are changing over, the coach askes the umpire: "You don't call much college ball, do you?" Umpire looks him straight in the eye and says: "Not at your level, coach."

Another college game.

Runner on first attempts to steal second, BU calls her out. Third base coach walks out toward BU and says: "I know that's a judgement call, but.." BU cuts her off right there and says: "Then let's just leave it at that, coach." and turns, walks away, and leaves the coach standing there in the middle of the field!