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Welcome to the forum, closely_guarded. I thought I'd share my own experience, with the hope that it will be helpful to you (and maybe others reading). When I started officiating (I'm in my 8th year now), I almost never talked/communicated with coaches. I felt like it was my job to officiate the game and their job to coach; and I did not believe I owed them any explanations other than making my calls/signals clear so that they could understand my rulings. I believed that I had a thick skin, and I sought to "prove it" by ignoring everything that was said to me. Very quickly, I had rules knowledge and excellent mechanics. Not quite as quickly, :-), I came to realize that more is needed from us, from me.
Particularly as we "move up," people skills are enormously important. One of my mentors told me earlier this year that, when I first started, some experienced coaches and officials thought I looked "intimidated" on the court. I never felt intimidated, but that was my reputation. Looking back on things, I think that reputation was earned by not communicating (and not issuing well-earned Ts).
Each of us is different. We have to be true to our personalities (because being genuine is an important component of our credibility). For me, I know that I'll never be a schmoozer or funny guy (characteristics that some officials are able to carry off in a professional manner; characteristics that some display unprofessionally). Perhaps like you, I'll probably always tend to communicate less than more. But I have learned that it is *really* important to communicate. It often helps if, early in the game, you can help to set the tone. In response to your coach's "unbelievable that you missed that call down there" comment, I might have tried a "you've got to let that go, coach," but only if I could say that while he sees me smiling - not a smart-aleck smile, but a warm, slightly empathetic smile. If I couldn't do it with a smile (like if you're running by and there's no dead ball in the near vicinity), I think I'd pass and say nothing.
As for the stuff following the T on his player, remember that the mechanic now is to let the non-calling official inform the coach. If you had followed that mechanic, the whole situation *might* have been avoided. Of course it might not. The coach still might want an explanation from you. But let's say that things happened as they did to you. After you gave him your it-wasn't-what-he-said-it-was-what-he-did explanation and he gave you his "well, I'm disgusted" comment, I think there were basically two good options. First, particularly if the coach said this loudly, you might have given him a T. Second, and this is the option I would *prefer* (but in the circumstances may not work), you might have said something like: "Get your substitution in, coach, and while my partner administers the free throws, I'll talk to you." If his next move is something other than going to get a substitute, you might then say "OK, coach, I gave you a shot" and turn and walk away. If he continues calling after you (almost regardless of what he says), he may be earning a T at that point. If he complies and gets the substitute in, you might then say to the coach: "OK, you've got my full attention." If he is loud, remind him to lower his voice - this is a conversation only between the two of you. Etc. Examples like this could go on.
I do not presume to be able to handle coaches more effectively than others. I just have become convinced that it is important to be able to do so and now I'm working at that part of my responsibilities as I continue to pursue rules knowledge and improve mechanics. I hope you continue to do the same. Not only because it will make you a better, and more successful, official, but I'd like to also respectfully submit that it may even make you a happier official!
Best wishes.
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