Smart-alec comebacks
 

I am sure I am not the only offical that has a few smart-alec comebacks for coaches in my back pocket. Looking to update my data base so wondering what some of your favorites are. My personal favorite:

Coach: "you know, you are just plain horrible"

Me: "sorry coach, they reserve the good officials for the good teams."

Gets 'em every time!

My response to this would be with sign language and a whistle.

You say that before or after you T him up?

"The foul count is 7 to 1"

"tell your guys to stop fouling"

There's not enough memory in the program for me to list mine. :p

Sorry...let me clarify that I don't use these at ALL levels...I expect more out of a Varisty coach then a MS/intramural type...

Also, if he was raising his voice and telling me how bad I am that is different but if I am standing in "C" and we are having a "private" conversation I would feel free to let the smart-alecness fly...

smart-alec responses are a waste of everyone's time....just officiate the game, respond to questions, penalize appropriately unsportsmanlike behavior, and move on.

Coach: "You guys are calling a horrible game."

Me: "I know coach, but this is the one we were assigned."

I love this!

I don't usually go the witty comeback route, but this, THIS is funny haha!!

Be The Bigger Person ...
 

Agree.

search the archive.

Fair enough, but I can tell you this comment is guaranteed to get a T from me in an MS/intramural/AAU type game.

There is an off chance that a high school coach has the sort of rapport built up with me that I'll know he's joking. It's slim, but there is a chance.

Rapport ...
 

I worked a varsity game a few nights ago with a very young head coach who was a former student of mine (I'm a retired middle school teacher). At one point in the game I called an intentional foul against one of his players for intentionally tripping an opposing player who was on is way to an uncontested layup. It wasn't your garden variety intentional foul (bear hug, jersey tug, two handed push in he back) but it also wasn't a blocking foul, no attempt to "slide over", just a defensive player purposely sticking out his foot to trip his opponent, (like an elementary school bully sticking out his leg to trip a student as that student strolled between a row of desks).

I'm sure that any other head coach would have challenged me to the "limit", or maybe over the "limit". All my former student could do was get red in the face, and comment to me, "Oh, cm'on Mr. Mac". I actually felt sorry for him that his respect for me trumped his need for a catharsis.

I still say that you have to do and say things that fit your personality. Some of us can be a smart-alec and get away with it and others cannot. And some of this is going to be based on your audience.

I have references to the NBA or "not counting" fouls to coaches that I commonly use. I would not call it being anything but being direct and it is not my job to care if they like it. Because the other action is ignoring a coach or giving a T and I do not want it to ever get to either in a game.

Peace

Smart aleck comments are bad enough if there are spontaneous, and come out of mouths before we think. Definitely shouldn't be predetermining them.

Instead, work on some professional comebacks that will defuse situations.

LOL I don't know if I'd ever use that but that's pretty good!! :D

I heard one from a guy who is probably the only one who could get away with it. A coach was going quite nuts so he turned and said to him, "Coach. What's wrong with you?!"

Remember that anything you say can and will be used against you.
I'd say it was about my second year of learning to officiate. I was at a camp to learn the 3 man. The wknd tournement game I was in was between two coaches who must have squared off on multiple occassions before and you could see the tension between them.
These teams were seated side by side on the base line with the scorers table in the corner. I thought my biggest worry was how in the heck am I suppose to learn rotations and proper reporting with a set-up like this.
Late 3rd quarter team A calls a time out. Before end of time out I see water all over the floor and tell coach to clean it up quick. Team A can't find a towel or anything (thanks game management) and so I ask coach B if they might have a rag or towel.......his responds....and here we go now...."Ain't my f---ing water". He was busy instructing his girls and making use of the delay. A rag was found under his bench and I wiped up the water with my foot. As I return with the rag,the coach grabs it from my hand and asked"And where would you like me to put it" .......My bad is coming......With a smile on my face and a chuckle I said "Well I'm not going to tell you to stick it up your a--" Minutes later I rotated out (4 man working 3) and did I ever get an ear full from the camp coodinator. I had seen his assistant leave the bench shortly afterward. Off to the coordinator I guess now.
I'm sure my words were twisted and used against me while I was only trying to lighting things up a bit.
Lesson learned.........Stick to the facts and choose your words carefully and move away from hot head coaches

You should've whacked his assistant for leaving the bench area. I'm only half-kidding.

And you need to know when you have built up enough credibility where you can use that line.

Last night I used a team's Slip-Not. Coach, who I know well, laughed and said I owed him a call. I told him, "No problem, but I'm not telling you which one it will be." We both laughed.

Or just go ahead and bust their ass and go on with it!!!!

I don't get smart with my comments at "real" games but at rec games I have no problem with it - especially since at times we are both officials and game administration at some venues.

At one game I had a guy sitting in the corner harping on every call. Finally in the second quarter I turned to him and said, "I guess I'll see you at our meeting tomorrow". He looked at me with a puzzled expression and asked " what meeting". I said, "the referee meeting. You're so interested in calling basket games I was sure you would be there to pick up your assignments." He didn't say anything the rest of the day.

I have only ever said two things to a "real" coach. Once, in response to a lop sided foul count I said, "I don't count them, I just call them" and once when a coach objected to a travel call I made by saying "come on ref, he gets two steps" I said as I ran past him "he took two and a half coach"

I would have wacked coach B for using the f-bomb. And after coach B grabbed the towel was his tone arrogant when he asked that question? If it was I would have wacked him again and told him to take the towel with you out of the gym. :D

The one thing I hate about camps is that the games are rec games that the clinicians expect people to call with the same protocol and decorum as "real" games. And the coaches are not real coaches most times and don't deserve to be treated as such.

Like I said above, if I saw a coach leave the bench area to "talk" to someone else, I'd probably whack him for leaving the bench area.

Me reporting to table: White, 32, Illegal use of hands, 2-throws.
Idiot: You got to call it both ways.
Me: 32 white, hit, 2 throws. That's the only other way I know.

After reading that thread about the PA official who said he was bumped, I have another.

Coach: You'll never work here again!
Me: That's the first time you've been right all night!

10-4-4, right?

I'll add this one that I don't think is smart alec but maybe is done with a little attitude. I hope it's ok. It will happen when there is a close play where someone watching the play think a foul could have been called either way.

So let's say you have a foul on White. Coach Red however thinks immediately when you call it that you've called it on Red. So he starts in with the whining. As you come to the table the whining continues. Not enough for a technical but it goes on. He continues and everybody in the gym can hear him making a spectacle of himself. So instead of answering him back you just stand there and wait until he quits. It might take a little time but don't say a word. Then when he's done and the gym is dead quiet you look at the table and say, "The foul is on White. 3-2. Holding. Red Ball."

Then just turn and walk away. It takes some timing but you haven't said a word and the coach has pretty much hung himself.

Your problem was that you were too specific!

You would have gotten the same effect with, “Wherever you'd like to, coach!” and the same smile … but then what you said isn't anything that can get you in trouble.

I know I posted this one years ago, but here it is again for all you newbies.

This was at a local rec league MS game. Coach wants to argue with me about a rule. Yeah - like he's the rules expert and I'm not. Here's what I said to him, "Coach, I know how we can settle this. We'll get a horse costume. I'll get in the front and you just be yourself."

No problem with him the rest of the season.

I worked a JH game last night. Three games in a row, the first two were smooth. The final game were the older kids (I believe 8th graders) and we get through the first half without much of a hitch. Well at halftime we were hanging around because there was no locker room and one of the coaches felt that he could come to us and tell us how to call the game. Now the floor was tile, so kids were not with perfect footing. So he wanted us to call more travels. Now at the JH level I am rather lenient with travels as if I called everything technically we would not have a possession without a whistle. So I told him, "OK we will call every travel you want."

Second half started, every time his team had the ball, we called every "technical travel." Stuff I would not have called in a HS game because it was not very obvious, I called. They got mad, I did not care. Game took longer, I did not care.

After the game the host school people complained about how much the team they played were a bunch of whiners.

Fun times. ;)

Peace

While this is not a smart alec comeback, I did use it tonight.

Easy call in front of home teams bench in a tight game, I call a walk, Home coach goes nuts and tells me, "that's a terrible call, that's terrible, terrible" I look at him and I said, " coach, look at the video."

I was dead on. No doubt.

Used only one time in my career:

Coach (after he calls a time out): "You are the worst officiating crew I have ever seen!"
Me: "Coach, the odds that the worst officiating crew and the worst coaching staff would be in the same building at the same time is mathematically impossible."

And I walked to the block opposite his bench and stood with my hands behind my back.
Coach shot me a wry smile, he instructed his team, and we went along our merry way without further discussion.

Paul

I had intended to go watch Junior officiate last night (Feb. 11th) but our Michigan assigner needed an official for a boys' freshmen game. Easy $48 because the school is exactly 5 miles driving distance from our home.

Visitors are getting their clocks cleaned and are down by 30 points midway through the 4th quarter and have been whining all through the second half about the fouls being called against them.

Visitors have the ball and I am L, Table Side. V1 goes driving through the lane and pinballs off of 3 defenders before losing the ball out of bounds. H1 inbounds the ball to H2 but V2 who is in front of V's bench, where V2 knocks the ball out of bounds. V-HC (who is barely older than Junior, who will be 24 at the end of this month) complains about V1 being fouled in the lane. I told him the defenders had legal guarding positions and that his player had bounced his way off of the defenders as he went through the lane, to which he replied: "So it is okay for my player to be bumped by the defenders and they won't be called for a foul." :eek: I told him that is not what I said and that our conversation was over.

Two or more times up and down the floor and H1 is dribbling the ball up the court in front of V's bench when V1 hacks him across the arm. I call the foul on V1. At which point V-HC throws his hands up in the air and exclaims what a weak call I had made. To which I replied: "You may think it was weak, but not has weak as your coaching." I know I shouldn't have said it but he opened a door that was so big I could have driven a Mack truck through it and I just had to do it. :D

MTD, Sr.

Best one I heard had to do with video.

"I'll send you the video."

"Better send it with your apology."

I had a coach (who supposedly also referees at the varsity level) tell me he was going to send me the video after the FIRST whistle of the game (a foul I called) during Christmas. I think I said "a little early to be starting that crap, isn't it?" He apologized the next trip down the floor.

Beginner's luck
 

Back before I learned it was a favorite point of contention, a coach whined about the 9-2 foul count. Before I could constrain myself, I yelled over to my partner: "Bernie, we got us a math major here!
Took me at least 5 years to live that one down...