Dating a relative of a coach.
 

I have a situation that I did not know I was going to have during the season. We have talked a lot about conflict situations with family members.

Well I started dating someone back in late summer and her cousin became a head basketball coach of a program. They are also rather close and talk to each other often. Her attitude is to be expected as she does not look to me to do anything differently than I do normally and would get on her cousin for makig the situation difficult for me if we ever had a game together. Well I have been assigned a game where her cousin's team will be participating in later this season. If this were you, would you work the game or not and why? Would the decision change if this were a fiancé or a spouse?

Peace

I would talk with my assigner about the situation and let them decide if it is appropriate. When it comes down to it, they are going to have to defend you if your partisanship comes into question.

However, I would remove myself from the game because no good can come of it.

-Josh

Easy one.
Could justifiably be a perceived conflict of interest.
Given the fact that your schedule is likely ideal without that one game, it's not worth the risk to keep it hoping nothing will come of it. If something does, that could, in the minds of those you need to satisfy, shipwreck your reputation in an unrepairable fashion.
It's only one game. One I'd advise you to turn back. It won't hurt you to do so. Don't do so, and the possibility of it hurting you exists.
Easy one.

If it were at the JV level or below, I doubt anyone would care. But wouldn't even think of doing the game at the varsity level. Even if got out by accident and had nothing to do with anything, it's just the kind of juicy nugget that people will unquestioningly latch onto.

Three words: Not a chance.

If, somehow, that information gets out you’re in a no-win situation. Even the appearance of impropriety is enough to get any of us in trouble.

Work the game. Double T the coach and toss them. On their way out, wish them merry Christmas and tell them you will see them at the family get together.

I really don't see a problem here. It is a cousin of someone you are dating, not the person you are dating. Anyone who thinks your integrity could be compromised for something so trivial needs to stop sniffing glue and get a life.

I would explain to your scheduler - and unless no other option was available, I'd not work the game. I KNOW I can be impartial. However, I also know that even if I am impartial - if it's known that I am dating a coach's cousin - no matter how that game goes, someone will perceive that I was not impartial (in one direction or the other ... or both.)

Who is this someone, fans, opposing coach, assignor, players? There is really only one person on this list whose opinion we should even be concerned about and if your assignor doesn't know you well enough or trust your integrity to work the game fairly than you have bigger problems than who your girlfriend is related to.

I wouldn't take the game. I just completed my first season of volleyball & only blocked 1 team-my best friend happened to be the coach of that team and I was worried about the appearance of impropriety.

Not a chance I would work the game. Its not exactly the same, but when my daughter was a CHEERLEADER for her high school I blocked every school in their district at every level. During a JV tournament her senior season her school advanced to the semi-final game I was scheduled to call. The other semi-final game was at the same time in the other gym. I called both coaches together and told them I would be switching gyms and explained why.

There are plenty of other schools...no need to give anyone a reason to question your integrity.

Gotta +1 with everyone else. Perception in basketball officiating is big, no reason to open yourself up to undeserved criticism.

Any of the above. If you don't see the perceptional issue here, I can't help you see it. It's not about integrity --- perception DOES matter.

Put it this way. We all miss calls, right. What happens if you do a game in this situation - and you happen to miss one in favor of the girlfriend's cousin. And it's caught on video. Or heaven forbid TWO calls - both in favor of the same team.

"How can he miss that - it was obvious! The only explanation is that he didn't call it because of the cousin." And your assignor has no leg to stand on (or worse yet ... begins to question your integrity!)

Perception And Reality ...
 

Give the assignment back.

I've been retired from teaching, and coaching, in my hometown school system for about ten years. All three of my children attended my hometown high school, and participated in sports, while in attendance.

After ten years of blocking out all home, and away, games, all levels, boys, and girls, involving this high school, this is the first year that I felt comfortable not blocking it out. But after not blocking it out, I did tell my assigner to do what he thought was appropriate, and best for all involved.

Personally I wouldn't worry about it.

There are so many different ways for us to have "conflicts of interest" that if we took them all into account we wouldn't work any games.

I will just say this. I am not giving back the assignment. Not happening. This was not a regular season game. This was a shootout-tournament of some kind where the teams were not determined until recently. I am not giving back the assignment. I might change, move around, but I am not giving back the assignment. Not happening!!!

Peace

I dont see an issue with working the game. If you have worked BB for as long as it seems, and in the same area you could easily make this argument on most of your games. How many veteran officials were former AD's, coaches, or teachers. How many were baseball coaches, soccer coaches, of children that are playing or related to other school personnel? You could play the six degress of Keving Bacon all day. If your truely uncomfortable find someone else working the same night and switch with them. Otherwise go out an be the professional you appear to be on here. If her cousins team loses you may have to sleep on the couch for a few days;)

Good decision. I know that you are a very experienced official having worked many levels and many different sports, including high school state finals. I think that a man with your reputation should have no problem with this very small conflict of interest. It shouldn't even be a question.

Perception does not matter. Fans are going to think they got screwed regardless. Their only point of view is through their team-colored glasses. They don't need a reason or excuse to think you cheated them. Their opinion or perception has no meaning whatsoever.

The opposing coach. If he has dealt with you as an official and if he is professional, he is going to know better. Even if he isn't professional and thinks this is a problem why should that matter to any official. Let him put you on his scratch list. BFD!

Your assignor. Again, if he knows you and has any trust in your ability as an official, he will easily be able to defend you.

Finally, where are you going to draw the line? It is his girlfriend's cousin. Is the line her second cousin, third cousin, his babysitter's brother's best friend's dad? There are other coaches out there that JRut knows better than this coach and has had longer relationships with. Even though he has no known relationship to, should he stop working their games too? We have coaches that come to our referee association meetings. They have been known to go out afterwards and have a few cokes with some of the officials. Maybe I should stop working their games as well.

It is ridiculous. If you give people the chance to come up with reasons to disqualify you they will find a way. The choice is simple. If you know you can be objective, keep the game. If you have concerns, give it back. Don't let simple minded people whose opinion matters little make the choice for you because of some perceived wrong.

Reffing in a relationship
 

Have you considered breaking up with your girlfriend? :D

I lean toward "avoid the appearance of a conflict" group.

I will relate a personal experience:

Several years ago, my younger sister was the JV Girls basketball coach at a school in the area. She also sat on the bench for Varsity games as an assistant.

I did not block that school because I had NEVER been assigned one of their games. So what happens...I get a Varsity Girls assignment with her school visiting another school. At that point in my career, I wasn't getting many Varsity assignments, so I chose not to turn it back. I told my partner about it, so he was aware of the situation.

I worked the game with no issues, but certainly didn't feel very comfortable doing it and did catch myself worrying about it at times during the game. One of the things that worked in my favor was that my sister's team was so bad, it really wouldn't matter what I did or didn't do.

Looking back at the situation now, I know that I would not hesitate to turn that game back.

OK.

So why did you ask?

So essentially, it's a pre-season game.

Last year, I had a JV-G preseason game at my son's high school, his senior year. My partner lived in town. The varsity crew consisted of a teacher at that school, the assistant principal of that school, and an assistant superintendent of the school district. That's fine, as it's pre-season.

No way that would -- or should -- happen in a regular season or postseason game. And I'd block the team on Arbiter if I had such a relationship as JRut mentions. There are plenty of other schools. You can sacrifice one.

This might change things - if I'd worked them before it might matter. However, I'll often go an entire season and only see 1 or 2 coaches more than once.

At whatever point someone might actually know.

Agreed. It's just a level of stress you don't need.

I was asking for opinions on what people think about the situation. I did not say I would not be willing to change the time or the game I worked, I am just not giving it back on my own. Something even tells me that the assignor is not going to see this as a big deal either. There are other games that day and before or after so something could be done if this is a problem to certain people.

Peace

Thank you for the sincerity of seeking our input.

It never would have crossed my mind to give a game back for something like this. Like most things, this apparently is viewed differently around here. It's 120 miles from one end of our association to the other, with mostly small rural schools involved. Therefore some consideration is given to travel distance when assigning the games. Last varsity game I called was a mile from my house. The head boys coach is on a short list of people that I've known for almost 50 years. We went all through school together. Most of the other coaches know this by now. If they have a problem with it, it's their problem, not mine, and it's never been mentioned to me. The problem I have is the opposite. The people I know best are the ones who complain the loudest, saying that I overcompensate and call against them.

I was really trying to see if others were in a similar situation. That does not mean I needed input to make a final decision.

Peace

I don't think its an issue in this situation, but I do know one thing: You better not cheat on her between now and the game!!

Preseason ???
 

I didn't realize this. If it's a preseason game, I would work the game even if my own kids were playing.

I doubt Jeff's game is really a preseason game. That term, along with "not regular season" is often misused. Most, if not all, states have started their regular seasons. Tournaments that occur in the middle of the season are still part of the regular season, they're just an out-of-conference game. My guess is that any team that loses in that tournament but wins the rest of their games wouldn't be considered undefeated at the end of the season by any legitimate standings/rankings.

Your game does sound like preseason, however, as it sounds like it was before the real games started and probably didn't count.

The question I ask....does it go on their records and does it affect their rankings in any polls? If so, the game matters. It may be non-conference or pre-conference, but not pre-season no matter how frequently people use the term.

Take the NFL or NBA for example....preseason games don't get counted in anything....but non-conference games do.


I don't think it would be a big deal to keep this game...the relationship is not close enough for it to matter in my opinion. In most towns, many officials could probably find a close friend who had a cousin on staff at some some school.

That said, your approach to the question here is more than puzzling.

I totally agree with you on many levels. I have had post season games with a team from the town I live. And I have had them in every sport too. And every time someone knows I am from that town or live down the street from this school. I would have had another school down the street if it was not for a personal conflict this past November. I would understand if this was my wife or we had kids going to that school, but that is not the case. And she has other family members and those family members have children. I am sure there is going to be other situations that will come up if life happens.

Peace

Ask Ed Rush... A lot of people, even here, know what he meant by what he was saying, yet it cost him and a lot of PAC-12 officials, dearly.

With all due respect that was not about a conflict of interest or having a relative attending one of the schools.

Peace

Wow if we turned in all the games like this we wouldn't work. We are all related in Alaska. It gets cold in the winter and there is a lot of inbreeding going on. LOL;)

I don't see cousin as close enough of a relative to matter. Prospective cousin-in-law isn't even on my radar.

Disagree. Even if it doesn't affect you on the court, you can bet that it could turn into a major headache for your assignor. Sure you only have to call the game, but who gets the phone calls afterward?

I agree with others who have said to inform the assignor of the situation and let him/her decide. I know that I can be impartial, and I know that I can handle the coach while I'm on the court; but if something odd happens and the coach learns or knows of the situation, I've given my assignor a mess that he has to deal with.

Recently we had a situation in a regular season football game. Small town pool of officials, limited numbers and they were maxed out on games. There was a conflict on the game, the assigner knew and did nothing. The game ended up close, with playoff implications. The press got wind of the conflict, and the state had to address it.

Personally, even something so remote, I'd tell the assigner and let him decide. If he thinks it's nothing, so be it; but it's his choice.

My only question, is there a chance you and the coach might be socializing together in public and any large gatherings (cook-out/holiday party/happy hour)?

If so, I would ask the assignor to move me to a different game in the shoot-out.

Agreed. Let the assignor know...let him/her make the call. That's just the smart thing to do. It is a gamble otherwise. If I don't inform him, then maybe nothing happens and all is well. Then again, if something blows up and he takes hieat for it...we all know poop flows downhill.

And as far as the "perception does not matter" comment, that's just a ridiculous thing to say. If that is true, why do officials not grow beards? Why do we keep our shoes shiny and clean? Of course perception matters.

Officials do not grow beards because we work in a culture that does not allow them most of the time. But there are officials at the high school level that have beards and work games on a regular basis. And not everyone shines shoes because that standard has not been upheld with the lack of all-leather shoes being sold as they once used to be. And not everyone right or wrong has the same perception of what family members and the closeness of that family member and if it would cause a problem. So yes perception matters, but that doe not mean everyone perception matters to everyone. And the answers in many cases show not everyone would be concerned or they would have other problems if they worried about some of these issues.

Peace

Pics or GTFO! And dating the cousin of a coach is too far removed IMO. You can always claim ignorance. If it's your wife's cousin, it is a maybe. Its not like you are auditing his financial statements, or are on the jury of his murder trial.

Related and rather close. Tell that to the opposing coach as you shake his hand prior to the game. That will set the tone for a pleasant evening.

Giving this one back..... There are plenty games to work, just not this one...

Let me just jump up on this soap box. Officials do, in fact, grow beards. I've worn a beard for 13 of my 15 years as an official. It has in no way affected my ability to get the games I want. It's a non-issue to everyone who isn't folically challenged.

There is no question they do, but not everyone allows that kind of look whether it is right or wrong. And I think sometimes things like this issue or what is a conflict is often local.

Peace

Beards are not officially banned around here but it is an unwritten rule that they will hurt you more than help you. Just how it is. I shave every day anyway.

I got that, but I was just making reference to the idea of perception that johnny d brought up. I disagree with him that perception does not matter. I think it does matter and I think that the Ed Rush situation illustrates that. What he was actually saying in a meeting was different than what the public perceived. It cost him his job. Whether or not he should have said what he did is not the issue. And in fact what he said isn't the issue. The result of the perception is.

I do agree with johnny d that fans are going to perceive that we're trying to screw their team, regardless. But why throw gasoline on their fire?

BillyMac Should Of Been On The Cover Of People Magazine ...
 

Around these parts, neatly trimmed facial hair (beards, and mustaches) are neither encouraged, nor are they discouraged (no joke, kind of like black belts).

Note that I said "neatly trimmed".

I worked a scrimmage with a young official this past weekend, a transfer from another state. He did an great job, judgment, and mechanics, were excellent. He was fit, and wore his uniform professionally. But he worked the scrimmage with two, or three, days stubble on his face. I don't believe that he was being lazy, I believe that this is the "look" that he was going for. My son, not an official, does the same thing, not shaving for a few day to achieve that "look".

Luckily, we don't evaluate officials in scrimmages, because I wouldn't know how to evaluate him under the evaluation heading, "overall appearance is neat, clean and well kept", that we use as part of our overall peer evaluations.

Comments?

Ran into the visiting coach from that game tonight at a tournament. We talked for a bit. I asked if he was aware that I went to school with the local coach, and if he considered it an issue. He said no and no.

Perception matters in some things, but not everything. And it certainly does not matter if the powers that be do not care what fans or others uneducated believe. The situation with Ed Rush was a private situation made public. And how many times do we say things in private knowing darn well that if made public it would cause a problem? We are not talking about that here. If someone knows that you are related to someone, that does not mean their concerns are valid. I have first cousins that I am not at all close to and would not do anything to cause a problem for myself professionally.

Peace

Update.
 

As I stated before I already knew what I was going to do about this situation, I just wanted to start a conversation about these kinds of issues and wanted to see how far people think you should go to avoid conflicts.

Well I told the tournament director as I was already going to tell him. Actually we had a conversation about this earlier before the schedule for the teams was final and he agreed to move me to an earlier game. I swapped with another official and it was confirmed a day or so after the original conversation.

I also only did this because my girlfriend and this cousin are close. They talk often and do things family related. And for a few of you that are my FB friend, he is all over my page with family photos and comments because of his closeness with my girlfriend. That is the only reason I thought about making this an issue. If they were just cousins and probably did not talk that much it might have been uncomfortable. Not for me, but for those that could have tried to make an issue of of this connection. And I would have been OK if there could be no accommodation, but I did not want anyone to suggest I was favoring him or my talking to him had any association with our relationship. He is a good guy and he did not think it was a big deal, but I had to do what I had to do.

So in the end everything should go smoothly. I just have to get up earlier after a holiday. ;)

Peace

i would talk it over with your assignor and maybe asked to switch someone else working the tournament. Perception will become your reality so why risk a perceived conflict/favoritism allegation. If they can't switch you, I would give turn it back. You have spent a long time building a rep, why risk it over one game no matter what the level?