This happened to me last night in a JV Girl's Game. A1 makes a steal at the division line and has a clear path to her basket. Somebody brought a German Sheppard to the Game? The dog rushes out of the stands and nips the girl from behind after she started her shooting motion. The layup goes in and I blow my whistle. I stop the Game and yell into the stands,

"Who owns the damn dog?"

A mother from B's Team claims ownership so I award A1 two free throws. B's Coach goes nuts. By this time, I'm pretty hot so I tell him,

"It's a Flagrant on the dog for biting. It's in the Book."

The Coach is irrate and says it was an "Act of God".

I blow the whistle again and yell,

"Then God should have put the dog in a Uniform...that's another Technical for violation of Rule 3.4.1."

About then I hear the B Team Mother yell,

"Kill, Heinzie! Kill."

I ran out through the Fire Escape Doors and now my Assigner only wants to pay me for 1/2 the game.

What would YOU do?

Well, once I woke up in a sweat, I would contact a health care professional. Dreams like that one are a sign of deep problems. :)

Depends.

Was this on a cruise ship? If so, were you passing over the international dateline?

K.I.S.S.
 

Give the ball back to the team that had the ball.

Peace

Are you saying you'd have to change your underwear? Just a product endorsement? :)

I was looking at some stupid TV show or movie the other day, some guy runs up to a taxi driven by some old man & asks if he can take him to some far off city. Old guy sez "Depends!" The traveler asks "On what?" Old guy sez "Nothin'. But I'm gonna need some depends for the trip."

Shot went in, right? Kick the dog/owner out of them gym. Give the ball to B for a throwin as after any made basket.

LOL. But what's funnier is that you are getting serious answers from some of the regulars. :D

Z

Hey! My integrity has NEVER been disproven. When I post this Board you can bet that it happened. My Assigner will tell you about the game I did a few years ago. Team A is down by two with time running out. A1 throws up a half court attempt. While the ball was in the air...the lights in the Gym go out!! When the lights come on, again.....the ball is rolling under along the endline. My partner froze up.....

I knew it was up to me to make the right call. I noticed a blonde in the stands with a new Sony Cam Corder. I know alot about camera's from flying U2's over Cuba in the 60's.

The new Sony's have an extreme low lux function. I went in the stands to borrow the blonde's Cam Corder and see if the shot went in?

When I bent over, she wispers in my ear,

"Call it good and I'll go over Rule 4-25 with YOU at my place."

So I walked down to the Court....the Fans, Players and Coaches were in stunned silence. I bent my ear over to my partner's mouth. He was still a Zombie. I turned around and yelled,

"HE SAYS IT WAS GOOD! THREE POINTS!"

I ducked out the Fire Escape while B's Fans ripped him limb from limb.

i must say
 

both your posts have cracked me up -- keep em coming

It was disappointing at the blonde's place after the game. Rule 5-7 came into play unexpectedly. B's Coach filed a complaint with my Board and I had to officiate Rec League Games at a Maximum Security Prison for 6 months.

You goofed. YOu should have stopped the game at this point, and let A1 have a replacement!

You might be right.

I remember the Chamionship Game in the Maximum Security Prison Rec League. These guys were dangerous and the Away Team was always required to wear an ankle shackle & heavy ball to the Home Team's Gym. During warm-ups before the Championship, I noticed that the Away Team was going thru their lay-up drill carrying their ankle balls in one hand.

I went over to the Warden who served as Coach and asked him what was up? He said,

"I forgot the darn keys!"

Knowing that this violated Rule 3-5, I faced a toug decision. Luckily, I know alot about locks from my days working in the Nixon Administration. I wasn't in on Watergate. I was in charge of Nixon's "Enemies List". It was a great gig. It only took about 15 minutes a week and gave me lots of time to work on decipering the Dead Sea Scrolls over at the Smithstonian Institute. I'm pretty good at Ancient Hebrew.

I had to serve 6 months with G. Gordon Liddy. Like I said, I was innocent but John Dean suspected that I was messing around with his wife, Maureen,(gentlemen never tell) and for revenge added my name to the guys he ratted out. While in stir, I met one of the members of the Massachusetts Congressional Delegation that taught me how to pick a lock with a basketball needle.

Naturally, I was able to save the day. The Ayrian Brotherhood Jazz beat the Crips Capitols 99-98 in a rough but well played contest. Both Teams were so pleased with my officiating that they offered me membership in their gangs by something called a "beat-down'.

thanks for the laugh!

David

jesus
 

they get better -- well written parody is so hard to come by these days.

Officiating in D.C. was a blast. Most people don't know about the secret Government League. Congress, the Senate, the Supreme Court and the Executive Branch all have Teams. The games are played in the subterrain gym under the White House.

Due to my CIA Work, I was the only Ref with a Security Clearance high enough to blow these games.

The Supreme Court Team use to get killed all the time. They only had 9 Players. The Senate, Congress and the Executive Branch were stacked. One night, Bush Senior asked my advice on how to improve the parity. (Al Gore had spent the night posting up Ruth Bader Ginsburg - I think he had 42 points and 29 rebounds.)

I took Bush aside and said,

"Listen, I told this to Adolph Rupp after Texas Western creamed Kentucky in '65. #1, lose the Adolph - it reminds eveybody of Hitler. And #2, lighten up on the racism and get some brothers on the Team or Kentucky won't be able to beat Slippery Rock College in 5 years."

Rupp was deservingly fired before he could take my advice. However, Bush Sr. acted immediately. BANG! Clarence Thomas is nominated to the Supreme Court. A lot of people watched his Nomination Hearings and figured that the Senate was worried about his Conservatism. Baloney! They were just trying to dump him because he's a damn fine point guard and Ted Kennedy was worried that his bad "D" would finally be exposed.

It makes me feel good that my reffing played a big part in effecting some Racial Justice in this country. And, if you think I'm lying...just ask anybody on the Warren Commission. You think they could "SELL" the Single Bullet Call without some help from a top basketball official?

TMI!

This must have been during the Clinton adminstration. :D

do you write
 

for any publication -- and how damn old are you?

is this jerry seinfeld?

Aw, you remembered. I'm honored.

Re: do you write
 

Now, I know YOU are joking, deecee. No way this stuff is as funny as Jerry Seinfeld. And that's not saying much.

Hey JCrow, I have some questions for you. OK?

Here's the first:

You Polish?

I would be proud to be Polish but I'm not sure what nationality I am? I've felt a special affinity for the land of Poland since 1981 when I edited James Michener's great historal novel, "Poland". Of course, I might be Italian because I love Italian food. Or, I might be Irish because when a good fiddler plays "King of the Fairies"....I break out in goose flesh.

Here's my story.....in the late 40's, Abner and Mabel Crow discovered a newborn baby on their door step. Abner and Mabel had a hog farm on Rt. 66 in Carthage, Mo. just outside of Joplin. When I was about 3, Abner gave me a tin whistle to play with. Abner was on the great Kansas Team of 1939....I found his old Rule Book in the Barn. I learned how to read fom his Rule Book. When I started first grade the teacher would lead the class,

"See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane run....."

I'd say,

"Looks to me like Dick picked up his darn pivot foot."

That year, I painted numbers on all our pigs. Every morning I'd yell "Sooooo-eeeee" and the pigs would charge to the trough for some whey. I'd blow my tin whistle and call the blocks and charges.

One day when I was about 8, a flashy sports car stopped on Rt. 66. A very tall young black man emereged after watching me and the pigs. He said,

"Kid....I was born to play above the rim and you were born to BLOW that whistle. Don't let anybody every discourage you because you could be the BEST ref ever!"

He zoomed away. Years later, I realized that it was Wilt Chamberlain making one of his legendary 24-hour drives from the East Coast to the West Coast via old Rt. 66.

Wilt's gone now. The Big Dipper is in heaven and only he and I knew that story before today.

You were lucky to be born rich.

If I hadn't have been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with when I was a kid.

Re: Re: do you write
 

Jerry Seinfeld is funny? ;)

Peace

Rich? Ha! Took me a few years to get rich. I was at Harvard doing research work in '78. I had developed a New Theory of Quantum Mechanics that used basketballs to represent sub-atomic particles.

To relax, I use to shoot hoops late at night in the Crimson Gym. Every night this geeky kid would be shooting at the other end of the court. He couldn't shoot worth a lick but he was a decent guy.....a bit shy.

One night after I beat him 21-3 in a game of 3-2-1, he tells he that he's invented a great new computer language but he can't think of a name for the product?

I say,

"Well, I won the first game...let's go for "DOS" and then go out and meet some girls.

He says,

"DOS! Disk Operating System! That's it."

By now you may have guessed that the kid was Bill Gates. He was so grateful that he gave me 12% of MicroSoft.

I haven't had to sell any of the stock, yet. It's somewhere in the bottom of my old Gym Bag. I did made a killing writing those "MS Word, Excel, etc. for Idiots" books.

o man
 

seriously you should be given your own column on this forum cuz you are one funny SOB.

your stories make no sense but they are great keep it up.

I'd lay off the hot wings and beer just before bedtime. :D

Funny!

Re: o man
 

maybe over to the General Discussion Board?

I know sometimes I get pretty windy. I'm so grateful I've had such a great life and met so many wonderful people. I never forget.....if it wasn't for Basketball, I might have ended up as a failure. Basketball touches so many lives and the stories seldom get told.....

It's 1966.....my lost years. I'm living in a tent on Venice Beach. I'm wasting my life.....reffing Beach Rec League Games for chump change and chasing California Girls until my feet hurt.

One night, a couple of the girls and I were sitting in front of my tent reading my new copy of the Official's Manual by the fire light. I see this sadsack Ivy-League kid walking by.....I could tell he was down so I yell,

"Hey, pardner! C'mon over...we got some extra Bali Hi."

He comes over. I tell him to take off the bow tie. Pretty soon he spills his story. He's got a chance to get into Rock Band with some dymamite musicians. All he's got to do is write some lyrics.

I say, "So let's hear what you got."

The kid pulls out a sheet of paper and croons,

"Why do you build me up,

B-u-t-t-e-r-c-u-p, baby.

Just to let me down....."

"Stop! Stop it!", I screamed.

"Kid....I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Mahatma Ghandi....you don't get nowhere sitting down. You wanna be the Leader of a Rock Band? God gives us all a PURPOSE in life. Rock Musicians are put on earth to be one thing....BAD EXAMPLES! That gives Basketball Coaches somebody to point to when they tell their kids.....don't be like that freak! First, I need to see more chest hair...and get some leather pants."

The kid nodded in appreciation.

Then we went to work on some lyrics.

I said, "Kid...I'm going to say a line...then you say the first thing that pops into your head....NO THINKING....just the first thing that flashes in your brain.....OK?"

ME: "The time to hestitate is through."

Kid: "No time to wallow in the.....err, aaah..

ME: "Mire! .....Try now we can only lose."

Kid:" And our love becomes a funeral pyre."

Me: "C'mon baby, LIGHT MY FIRE!"

I just wish I had known that Jim couldn't handle his booze well or I never would have given him that darn first cup of Bali Hi. He took my advice and did his damnest to set a bad example for the rest of us. God bless him.

OK Mr Crow, I see you aint gonna play my game of 20 questions, or maybe you are & you dropped me another big clue with your answer. Not that it matters, just keep posting.

And never mind rainmaker, she was doing community service at the home for the morbidly stuffy a while ago & while teaching the residents how to do the hustle she dropped her sense of humor & broke it.

Dan, you know full well, I LIVE at the Home For the Morbidly Stuffy (the Company Parlor, as we prefer to call it!), and I've never in my life done The Hustle!! Hmmpphhh!!

Rainmaker - Making sense is in the eye of the beholder. Usually Mrs. JCrow. I thought Golf made sense so I gave it a try.

One day, I found myself playing with John Daly, Jack Nicklaus, and Michele Wie. You know Jack's image as an avuncular good-will statesman for golf? All wrong. On the first Tee, Daly pulls me aside and says,

"Watch out for frigin' Nicklaus...he cheats. He'll do anything to win. The most dangerous Wood in his bag is his pencil!"

All thru the round Nicklaus would drive it into the woods. You'd hear...."whack...whack....whack....". Then he'd putt out and say,

"I got a Par."

On the Fifth Fairway, he deliberately ran his golf cart over Michele Wie's foot. The poor kid had to limp into the Clubhouse with her father swearing at Nicklaus in Korean.

I'm no match for Jack Nicklaus, even if he does have metal wood for a hip. I currently have a 43 handicap. But I had a Plan. I said,

"Look Jack. I say me and you go mano un mano. With one small stipulation....we can Trash-talk just like in basketball."

He says sure and hands Daly a thick roll of cash which I matched.

On the Sixth Tee as Nicklaus wound up his backswing, I blurt out,

"Hey, look! Arnold Plamer and Laura Davies are in the woods making whoopie!"

He shanked it onto the Interstate Highway.

I kept it up all round and beat him by an Old School NBA Score of 137-129.

Re: Re: o man
 

While we're at it, let's banish the baseball discussion there too.

OK....OK....I'll go back to being serious. It's very hard for me. Last week, my wife and I rented "Aviator"...it was the Howard Hughes Story.

After the movie, my wife said,

"Jeezz....was he nut's or what?"

I said,

"He seemed OK to me....he just didn't like germs much."

I've always had a weird since of humor. I started my career as a Construction Engineer. You know...the guy with a transit. In 1981, I was on a Road Job and after levelling the instrument...I stepped in front of an oncoming 18 wheeler. It was the Best Player Control Foul, ever.

I was going in and out of it until they got me to the ER. One of the Doctors bent over my gurney and asked.

"How you feelin' buddy?"

I looked up and said,

"Run down?"

(That's my first true story - other than we did have a pig farm on old Rt. 66 in Carthage in 1952. I read years later about Wilt making those x-country rides.)

This stuff is great JCrow. LOL.

Z