The magic three-word defuser
 

Actually, I got this one from a restaurateur friend in dealing with complaining help or customers.

I have used it several times, with a great success ratio.

It is especially useful when the combatant goes on a tirade, trying to establish his veracity as opposed to insulting you. It's tailor-made for sitches where you don't want to run anyone, you just want the rat to shut his pie-hole and return to bench or position.

Examples:
"I know the book rule [you can really follow this with anything]: The runner gets the base he's going to plus one."

"That's a foul tip. It can't be strike three."

"You've been calling that pitch a ball the whole game."

"My guy's standing on the base. He can't be called out!"

"You can't bunt with two strikes."

and so on, ad nauseam.

Just wait a beat, maybe scratch your chin, and say, very calmly and lazily:






"Is that right?"




Try it; you'll like it.


Aceready2retireinCT

My magic 3 words are "You're all done!"
:D:D:D

I took a couple of Advanced A League umpires out for drinks a little while back. They told me they use an even more economical one word defuser that they stole from a bit on SNL's Weekend Update. Their's is simply

"REALLY?!"

I'm stealing this one! It's my new word, to go with the totally incredulous look they will receive as a bonus for playing.:cool:

Varsity HS game
Zero outs
Bases Loaded.

The ball was hit and spun back and land on home plate. The catcher grabbed it, I pointed, the catcher touched home and tagged the batter who had not run-double play.

The Offensive Coach came out and said: "It was laying on top of home plate when he grabbed it."
Me: "Yes, that's right."
OC: "But, it was ON THE PLATE!"
Me: Yes, that's right.
Dad from the stands: HOME PLATE IS IN FAIR TERRITORY, LARRY!
Me: Play Ball.

[QUOTE=jwwashburn;614162]Varsity HS game
Zero outs
Bases Loaded.

The ball was hit and spun back and land on home plate. I pointed, the catcher grabbed it, touched home and tagged the batter who had not run-double play.

QUOTE]

You pointed it fair...and then the catcher grabbed it? I think your timing might be a bit fast.

Unless of course the ball actually came to settle on the plate. Which I might find a little hard to believe.

[QUOTE=yo...blue...;614172]Thank you kind wiseass. I did type that incorrectly. However, I called it correctly.

Round goes to Washburn.

[fine retort]

[QUOTE=jwwashburn;614175]Except for the "kind" and the "wise" parts.:p

And I can't stand it when you share a story about a really cool play and someone either:

A) Has a more-complex-version-of-that-play story

OR

B) Says something like, "Unless of course [whatever] actually [happened]," followed by something like, "Which I might find a little hard to believe."

Agreed.

When I've heard similar comments in the past I've replied, "Yes! I saw that too."

That is also a fine retort.

I wish I could have a hidden camera on some of these guys when they later re-read ... err ... discover the rule, and realize we are right and they're wrong.

I like it and I agree with SSD, I am stealing this one!

I like the "Really?" also.

That's fine, however, when the coach comes out and says, "why is that ball fair?", don't say, "I pointed it fair, and then the catcher grabbed it."

It's not just our job to get it right, we should also say it right. This is how ejections start.

You want pizza?
 

Tournament for 12u.
I'm PU with two partners.

U1 make a 'routine' out call at second.
HTM asks for time and gets it from me. He comes out and asks, "if the 'guy at 2 can ask for help', I think the fielder had his foot off the bag".
Me; "I don't think he needs any help with that call Charlie. He was 10 feet from the play".
He; "Well what did you see"?
Me; "The runner down the first base line".
He; "All I'm asking is that you guys get together on it". He turns back to the dugout.

U1 walking towards me at this point. U2 coming over as well. I ask, "You want pizza" after the game?
Both of them stifle laughs and go back.
HTM thanks me for 'conferring' with the others.

Happy Manager, happy Umpires, game ends, pizza (and beer) is consumed. We get paid.

Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh, IIIIIII seeeeeee ...

Some of us break even buying gear; some of us break even buying pizza and beer ... it's all good. :D

REALLY? I shouldn't say that? Since I TOLD you what I said in my post, you already know I did not say that.

Umpired much? I've had plenty-o-balls that settled to a complete stop right on top of home plate before the catcher had a chance to field them. It's not all that uncommon. Sheesh, make a Federal out of it!:rolleyes:

I've umpired 1,000's of games. From LL to Professional (Indy). Many guys on this forum know who I am, but it might take some time for them to figure it out.

I've never seen a baseball completely settle on top of the plate. I guess my catchers are just smarter than your's in my neck-o-the-woods.

Or maybe my plates are sloped...rolling towards the infield perhaps.

Washburn wrote something incorrectly in his post, and I called him on it. My apologies if you find my sarcasm offensive. I didn't think umpires could have their feelings hurt so easily.

If I was in attack mode I would say something about the guy that ejected a batter for not getting in the box. There are prescribed penalties for that. Prescribe that penalty once or twice and he could have gotten mgr and player. That would have been more fun.

Have Fun with this one...

So...what am I, some rook? 3,400 enough for you? I think I've been around enough to have seen some balls hit in the dirt and settle on the plate. Especially here where there is so much loose dirt/sand/silt around the plate at some parks, where the ball hits the ground and stops.

Yeah, smarter than where the majority of major league ball players come from.:rolleyes:

Our plates are level.

I am a master of sarcasm myself, but you weren't being sarcastic. Perhaps you should mix in a dictionary.:rolleyes:

And it wasn't our feelings that were hurt, it was just that it seemed so ridiculous to nitpick about his wording in his own story. He didn't post the story for a grammar lesson. That, and pointing out spelling errors are two very bad things to do on a forum.

My feelings were not hurt. I am a neat guy and you are a wiseass. Why would my feelings be hurt?

Uh-huh. Sure wish I had dollar for every wannabe that claimed professional experience.

We may not know who you are, but pretty much everyone knows what you are.

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Wow! You're placing a little too much importance on yourself.

Feeling hurt???

You must be kidding.

30 years as an umpire. Never counted the games. Started in LL went as far as College level, settled with HS, youth & adult. Had a family so I could not pursue a professional career.

Got rid of my raft (donation to LL), still have the Elbeco's, still have the blue slacks, sold the maroon base coat, still have the bow ties, can't find the "beak" (beanie).

All that aside, I've seen balls settle on home plate, batters hit the ball twice, catchers jump in front of batters, pitchers take a batted ball to the face. I've seen winners, losers, wanna-bees and some go pro. I've seen good umps, bad umps and umps that went pro. I've shared stories with MiLB & MLB players and managers. I've chewed the fat with McSherry (RIP), Merrill (RIP), Rapuano & West and do you know what all of that means to anyone?

Nothing!

They are mearly memories for me!

[QUOTE=yo...blue...;614172]I had a 1 - 0 extra inning game end with an intended sacrifice bunt which ended up landing on home plate. The catcher airmailed the throw to attempt to retire the batter and R1 scored the winning run. To my complete shock, the catcher and defensive manager both knew that the ball on the plate was fair.

[QUOTE=yo...blue...;614362]I've umpired 1,000's of games. From LL to Professional (Indy). Many guys on this forum know who I am, but it might take some time for them to figure it out.

Do you hail from the Great White North and post under the moniker of cc6??

BoooYahh!

Man, you guys get worked up easy. We'll have fun.

This isn't worked up. This is just letting you know we have your number.

Buh Bye.

Three more: Knock it off!

I sprinkled in a new one today to get a pitcher to stop complaining about balls/strikes/ and a non called IFF because there was no ordinary effort.

QUIT WHINING, ITS ANNOYING

Perfect for the type of game that was going on, a 3 hour marathon with below .500 teams. 11 run game. 1 team had just 9 players, 4 of them call-ups. 3 players told me during the game they just wanted to go home to watch the all-star game.

After my comment, the short stop and second baseman were laughing pretty good, and the pitcher zipped it up.

Wouldn't try it in a more competitive game though...

More than likely...
 

...it wouldn't have been necessary.

I've used this one myself and like it!

Sometimes I'll follow it up with, "Are you sure?" They usually go away then.....because they're not! :)

"There's no crying in baseball!"

Happened to me in a 16U tourney game Saturday. Catcher scooped it off the plate, I pointed fair, catcher tagged batter (who never moved). Didn't hear a word from the OC.

There you go again, thinking that you have more importance than you do by assuming that your B.S. is upsetting people.

It's a personality disorder, but here's the good news: it's fairly easy to treat as far as common personality disorders go! So, good luck with it.

"Coach, when we each get home, we're going to read that rule. And one of us is going to learn something."

I know it's not short, but it brought a peaceful end to a difficult to follow ruling and made an extended dispute come to a stop.

Very Good!

Just cut that down to "quit it".

I use this line often when I work games on the regulation diamond myself. Coaches will often say, "Blue you got to get a better angle or you got see that!" My reply, "I Know"

Don't make admissions about not getting a good angle.

Bon mot!
 

I like this a ton! Must be the Irish gift o' gab.

ace in ct

From my buddy Biggy D. DC repeatedly carping about B1's stride and batter's box lines.

"Coach, I heard you the first time; there won't be a third."

ace

I always enjoy saying these words:

Why, thank you, Ace!

Okay, now I like this a ton.

No need to steal it; we'll just trade.

Earlier this season when confronted with the "Tie goes to the runner" arguement, I replied "Absolutely!"

It's the knucklehead coaches that make these comments about not getting a good angle when a single umpire is calling the game. Most coaches understand that they are saving $$$ by paying one umpire. Case in point, straight steal of second. Where can a coach expect the plate umpire to get? I know I have to get a better angle and for that matter closer to the play!

I have worked a ton of solo games, and I don't put up with any questioning of calls, or positioning or anything like that. Zero tolerance. Anybody starts in questioning calls or angles gets the, "pay for two umpires next time" reply. I always feel like adding, "you cheap ba$tards.":)

I don't speak Whinese

Have used this for the kids for years only once in baseball in a game similar to Tuss'

"I have a buddy sitting at home who would have made that call from the cut-out for only seventy dollars."

Just tell him that.

Steve sets that up at the home plate meeting, like the guy who taught me. ;)

"I have a buddy sitting at home who would have made that call from the cut-out for only seventy dollars."

Just tell him that.

Good stuff Kevin.

;)