Once in a while you hear a stupid one-liner from a disagreeing fan or coach:

"Get a real job!", "Where's your seeing-eye dog!", etc...

What's the best one-liner you've heard?

The best one liner I've heard this year was a compilation of comments from a fan and a catcher.

The fan said "Come on, blue, learn to call a curve ball"

The catcher looked over at the fan and said "He has to throw one that curves first".

OR, what is the best one-liner you have used on a coach. I hate to admit this, but was PU, coach had complained earlier about a few pitches, I stared, he stopped. Later, we have a play at the plate, I call out, he states that the tag was high (he is standing in the 3B box). I look at him and say "Since you have a better angle, next time I will check with you first". I know I shouldn't have said it, but it felt GREAT.

I've always liked this one:

"C'mon, ump, one more eye and you'd be a cyclops!"

asking for time
 

Once I had a coach ask for time he said
"Time Mr. Perfect" I thought it was a great line.

The tried and true response to "Come on blue, you're missing a good game!" --- "I know, but my scheduler sent me here."

Best chuckle I've had from a player this week - 12U pitcher throws a ball that starts over the plate and curves in at least 8 inches, maybe more. She hadn't thrown a curve all year, and I have a great relationship with this catcher. Me - "Holy cow, was that a curveball?" Her - "Uh... not on purpose." Same game, same catcher. After a walk, next pitch, F2 guns to first, nailing runner, but F3 forgot to tag. Next pitch, stealing 2nd, F2 guns her out but F6 dropped the ball. Next pitch stealing 3rd, perfect throw - high tag. F2 says to me - "Guess I have to get this girl out myself!" Then says, "Look out, I'm going to miss this one." Sure enough, next pitch gets by her (and me), she flies back to the backstop and somehow gets back in time for the tag. F1 was still 4 steps away when the play was made. She tags her out, and as she's putting the mask back on, just grins at me with a cheshire cat, "Look what I just did" grin on her face.

"I know, but my scheduler sent me here"

I like that :)

Best one-liner, that's easy. "You are f***ing kidding". It's a great line because then I get to get rid of a pain in my a**.

Play at plate, runner makes great slide, catcher makes better play and gets tag down. 3b Coach..."Not your fault runner. If I had known he didn't have to tag you, I wouldn't have sent you".

College game. BU says "That is a balk!" Student fan starts yelling in complete sentences only, making fun of the verbose call by BU. Student says something like "That is a balk because the pitcher failed to comply with rule six dot two five. He must come to a complete stop...JUST SAY ITS A BALK BLUE!"

Funny stuff.

My favorite one liner is "punch a hole in that mask blue". Works great when PU is wearing the light weight +POS with thick bars.

How about, "Hey Blue, Have you always been a lousy umpire ?"

Doug

Plate umpire ejects coach and says "go where i can't see you."

Coach then stands on home plate and says "ok, i'm here, because you haven't seen anything here all day."

Bottom of the last, visitors by 1, R2 & R3 2out.
B1 hits foul next 2 pitchs ball\ball then HR
Runners all run the bases
Before PU calls the game defensive coach runs on the field shouting at F4 to appeal R2
Coach "He didn't tag up after the foul"
PU calls game and everyone leaves the ground smiling

Great story.

FED varsity game the other night. Home Team up 8-5--their coach and I have always gotten along very well; I've known him for years. Anyways, Away team has R2, R3, no outs, 3-2 pitch belt high just misses inside. I call Ball 4...response:

"Geez that was close! He should be called out for just taking that pitch!"

After the batter swung at two above his head, pitch comes in belt high middle of the plate. After getting rung up he responds "What was that!" F2 Then looks at him as says "The one you should have swung at!"

Hey guys,

Brand new to this site and to umpiring and loving it!! Love this thread also, and here is one I've read on MLB.com:

After being rung up on a curveball, batters turns to PU and says "Aw, come on, Blue, you really missed that one," to which PU replies, "I wouldn't have if I'd had a bat."

That's one of my all time favorites.

Doing a fairly intense Varsity game this year. Visiting team is favorite to win however, home team is making them work for it. Not only is the coach begging for everything, all the fans are too. Lane Bryant size scorekeeper in the stands, with her mouth to match.

Fifth inning , score 2-2 visitors in the field. Pitch comes in, outside corner and breaks away from the plate."Ball", I says. Catcher, "Come on Blue, you have to give us those."
Mrs. Lane Bryant yells, Thats horrible , you got to call those strikes.

Catcher, "See Blue , she's having an orgasim over that call." I call, "Time, first of all that pitch was low and away, and secondly, I do that to all the women's."

We both had a real good laugh before we started the game back up.

Visitors won 7-2.

had a coach last night complained about two pitches and stated if one wasn't a strike then why wasn't the other. He said something to the effect of an either or statement. I looked at him and gave him an either or. I said "you can either stay in the dugout or go to the bus". Never heard another word.

Not baseball and I didn't get to use, but it would have been awesome.

Girls Varsity Basketball

Counting 5-sec violation and some dad from the stands keeps yelling, "That's not six feet that's ten feet!" I wanted to respond so badly (but I didn't), I bet that's what you tell your wife too!