Comic Relief: A Few Good Umps

[NCASAUmp]

Found this on another forum:

Ump: You want the pitches?

Player (Tom Cruise): I think I'm entitled to them.

Ump: You want the pitches?

Player: I want the count!

Ump: You can't handle the count!

Son, we live in a world that has pitches. And those pitches have to be called by umps with chest protectors. Who's gonna do it? You?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for guys who strike out and you curse the umps. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the players strike out, while tragic, probably saved the game. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves games...You don't want the count because deep down, in places you don't talk about in dugouts, you want me behind that plate. You need me behind that plate.

We use words like ball, strike, foul...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent officiating something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inning to explain myself to a man who catches and bats under the blanket of the very officiating I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went to the dugout. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and stand in the box. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Player: Did you call him out?
Ump: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.
Player: Did you call him out?
Ump: You're goddamn right I did!!