Cheerleading

[LDUB]

Chicago Tribune, May 1, 2004. By Rick Morrissey
Before the "Rick's a Neanderthal" e-mail campaign begins, I would like to point out that cheerleading is a fine activity. Mesmerizing flexibility, eternal smiles, waterproof mascara—what's there not to like?

But if cheerleading is a sport, then Leeza Gibbons is Jodie Foster.

I also would like to point out that having this viewpoint doesn't make me anti-female, anti-cheerleader or even Auntie Em. Many women agree with me on this topic but would prefer to watch a certain columnist get beaten to a pulp by perky, pompom-wielding girls.

The Illinois High School Association has decided cheerleading will have its own state championship beginning in the 2005-2006 school year. In other words, the IHSA has declared cheerleading a sport. The organization's argument for inclusion seems to be that because there is so much participation and because there already are so many regional and national competitions, cheerleading is a sport.

Well, no.

If the number of participants determines a high-school activity's sport-worthiness, I would like to nominate angst and teenage rebellion as sports. Just because there's competition doesn't mean it's a sport. By that way of thinking, the Pillsbury Bake-Off could be considered a sport, and we know it isn't because there hasn't been a steroids scandal yet. Cheerleading is popular, yes. Suspenseful, sometimes (will the girl somersaulting through the air be caught or will she end up using a walker for the rest of her life?). A sport, no.

(Quick quiz. Who isn't a former cheerleader: Paula Abdul, Ann-Margret, Vanna White, Michael Jordan. That's right! MJ was never a cheerleader!)

I've been trying to figure out how we got to this point. Cheerleading squads once were made up of the "popular" girls in school. The girls were there to try to get the crowd to cheer, and they were there to be looked at during timeouts. Everybody knew his or her place. The cheerleaders cheered, most everybody in the stands refused to go along with the cheers and the game went on.

Then former gymnasts got involved, and suddenly there were flips and throws and very happy male cheerleaders holding girls aloft. It's wonderful that lots of high school kids are participating in this activity, but that fact has gotten in the way of reason. The IHSA is confusing participation with athletic endeavor.

If cheerleading is a sport, then so is aerobics. If aerobics is a sport, then so is synchronized swimming. If synchronized swimming is a sport, then so is breathing, though with nose clips.

I'm just asking:

Can it be a sport when the competitors wear body glitter?

Can it be a sport when the competitors wear makeup?

Can it be a sport when the competitors practice making animated facial expressions, as the Ursuline Academy cheerleaders were doing in a photo on the front page of the Tribune on Thursday?

I know what you're thinking: Figure skating! All of these things are done in figure skating!

Figure skating: not a sport.

Look, cheerleading can't be a sport if the main purpose is to cheer on athletes playing a game. Cheerleading was created as an organized way to support teams. A pilot fish is not a shark.

(Let's try it again: Halle Berry, Katie Couric, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Dick Butkus. The Ginsburg reference threw you for a second, but you're right, Butkus was not a cheerleader.)

So many outlets exist for girls these days that there is no reason to make cheerleading a sport. Softball, basketball, track and tennis are only a few of the sports available to high school girls. It's not as if females are being denied opportunities athletically.

I'll try to head off some of your arguments:

Yes, I know you put in a lot of hours to become the best cheerleader you can be.

You're right, I couldn't touch my toes with the help of hydraulics.

I know cheerleading keeps you in great shape.

I also know that it takes teamwork to have a good cheerleading squad.

But cheerleaders are entertainers. If they are in search of legitimacy, I'd suggest they join the Screen Actors Guild or Up With People or a dance group. Forget about sports.

Cheerleading isn't a sport any more than sparkling grape juice is wine. That's a bitter cup for some of you. Cheers.

I agree with Rick. I always thought cheerleading was someting that was done at a football game or basketball game or whatever sport. Cheerleading supports a sport, it is not a sport. What is next? How about those "rule experts" who sit in the stands who yell the whole time, how about we make that a sport too.

But I'm not totaly against cheerleading being a sport. Because everyone knows sports need officials. And I don't know what a cheerelading official does, but it has to be easy. Hopefully there is a job called "skirt length inspector" or something, I'd take that one. It must be nice to just sit in a chair and collect a fat check at the end of the day.