[Mark Padgett]

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line!"





A big-city lawyer went out duck hunting one weekend in rural New Hampshire. He shot and killed a bird, only to find that it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to retrieve the duck, an elderly farmer drove up in his old truck and asked him what he was doing. The city lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and I say you're not coming over here." The lawyer sneered at the old man and said, "I am one of the biggest civil attorneys in the Northeast. If you don't let me go get that duck, I'll find a few reasons to sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer scratched his beard and said, "Well, Mister, you city fellas don't seem to know how we do things up around here. We settle little disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "And what is the Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer explained, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. Then the winner gets to keep the duck." The attorney thought about it for a moment, and, deciding that the old codger wouldn't be much of a match for him, agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down out of the truck and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick, and the lawyer's nose was bleeding all over. The lawyer fell flat on the ground and the farmer's third kick to a kidney caused him to moan in pain and he started to pee blood, but he steadied himself not to give in and summoned every bit of his energy to manage to get to his feet.

"Okay, you old coot!" scowled the lawyer. "Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer climbed back up in his truck and said, "Naaaah, I give up. You can have the duck."